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Have
you been asking yourself “How do I save
my marriage?”
Have
you thought about giving your spouse an ULTIMATUM? Something like, "If
you
don't stop XYZ, this marriage is over."
Is
your spouse having an AFFAIR, hooked on PORN, addicted to DRUGS or
ALCOHOL, a
WORKAHOLIC, too emotionally close to an OPPOSITE SEX FRIEND, or
OBSESSIVE about
a hobby or activity?
How
do you get your spouse to STOP behavior that's destroying your marriage?
An
ultimatum is an interesting idea. I bet a friend or family member even
suggested it. I'm sure it's crossed your mind. Maybe it was even
advised by
your counselor. But will it work?
If
you want to be able to say “I saved my marriage,”
do NOT
give your spouse an
ultimatum. It will NOT work. Let me explain why. And let me explain how
YOU CAN
get your spouse to end their affair or stop their addictive or
obsessive
behavior.
In
a sense, it's empowering to think, and even say to your spouse, "Your
behavior is unacceptable. And if it doesn't stop, I'm leaving you." An
ultimatum offers the ultimate role reversal. It puts you, the victim,
in
control. Understandably, that's appealing. And there's no doubt that in
the
SHORT RUN, you'll FEEL better. But it also FEELS good to eat dessert
after
every meal. Just because something FEELS good does NOT mean it is good.
The
question you have to ask yourself is: Will the LONG TERM effect be
good? Will
an ultimatum give me the result I want? Will it lead to me saving my
marriage?
The
answer is NO.
Now
I know what you're thinking, "Mort, what about TOUGH LOVE? Don't I have
to
set borders and boundaries?"
If
you give your spouse an ultimatum, you'll establish clear RULES for
your
marriage. You'll set borders and boundaries. But where will the
MOTIVATION come
from for your spouse to live by the rules? In other words, the rules
will be
clear, but why would your spouse WANT to adhere to them?
If
your spouse is a sex addict, a workaholic, an alcoholic, having an
affair, into
porn, or involved in any other type of obsessive or destructive
behavior, the
problem is NOT a lack of rules; it's a lack of MOTIVATION to live by
the rules.
Your
spouse knows their behavior is wrong. Even if they won't admit it, even
if they
justify it, deep down they know that their behavior is immoral and that
it's
destroying your marriage and soiling their soul. The problem is that
they don't
care. The problem is that they lack an internal MOTIVATION to do the
right
thing.
Your
spouse has to WANT to stop. The key is their inner motivation, their
WILL. An
ultimatum imposes rules from the outside; it does nothing to address
the lack
of motivation on the inside.
Bottom
line: although giving an ultimatum feels good, it misses your target.
Your
target is your spouse's inner motivation. And how do you affect
someone's inner
motivation? The secret is to CONNECT with them. Let me explain.
Life
begins as a connected experience in the womb of our mother. When we're
born and
that physical connection is severed, we yearn to connect again. How we
go about
creating that connection and how well we succeed becomes the story of
our life.
People
who make healthy and meaningful connections with other people feel
happy and
fulfilled. (Research proves that the single most important factor that
determines happiness in life is CONNECTEDNESS.) People who lack a real
emotional connection with others will grasp at anything in an attempt
to fill
that void in their life. That's what leads people to sex, drugs,
alcohol, hours
of mindless TV, falling in love over and over again with new people, or
an
obsessive commitment to money, success, work, or a hobby. These
trappings offer
a MOMENTARY filling. But the cause of the emptiness your spouse seeks
to fill
is a lack of a meaningful CONNECTION in their life.
When
you create that connection with your spouse, you accomplish two
profound
things.
First,
you eliminate your spouse's desire for their destructive behavior. You
take the
wind right out of its sail. You cut it off at its source. They don't
need it
anymore. There's no more hole to fill. YOU filled it!
Second,
you offer your spouse a permanent filling for a hole that's been
insatiable
probably since their childhood. (Your spouse's destructive behaviors
can
probably be traced back to a disconnected relationship they had with
their
mother or father). And their DESIRE for your connection, a REAL and
LASTING
filling of that hole, will trump any momentary interest in seductive
pleasures.
So
how do you get your spouse to stop their destructive behavior? You
create a
connection with them.
Now
here's the kicker.
The
chances are very good that YOU have no clue how to deeply CONNECT with
your
spouse.
Disconnected
people tend to marry disconnected people. In other words, you picked
your
spouse BECAUSE they're disconnected, and that was safe and familiar for
you.
(Your spouse is probably like your mother or father.) You didn't have
to make a
real connection to your spouse and that's why you fell in love with
them. Your
spouse didn't need what you couldn't offer. Do you see how that worked?
It's
totally dysfunctional, but it's true.
Now
don't misunderstand, I'm not saying that your spouse's inappropriate
behavior
is your fault. But it is your RESPONSIBILITY. Meaning, that you can
choose (if
you want) to do something about it. You can impact your spouse's
choices and
save your marriage. But you'll need to learn to forge a real connection
with
your spouse, and you'll need to learn to do that WITHOUT your spouse's
cooperation.
If
you’re ready to do that, if you want to be able to say
“Yes, I saved my
marriage,” then enter your email below and I’ll
send you my
free report “7
Secrets to Saving Your Marriage.”
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