How to Tell if Your Husband is Having an Affair

Posted on February 10, 2012 by mf

How to Tell if Your Husband is Having an Affair

If you’re wondering how to tell if your husband is having an affair, you’ll be able to relate to the story below. The email we received is from “JW”. Her husband was having an affair and moved out of the house. Using the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp program, she single-handedly saved their marriage! Within two months of starting the program, her husband moved back into the home and ended his affair. Their marriage is now better than ever!

Dear Mort,

I want to thank you for developing the tele-fitness boot camp and making it so accessible both in cost and ease of use.

“Husband is Having an Affair”

My marriage had been on a downward trajectory for a year and despite my needs, wants and intentions, I couldn’t seem to turn it around. My husband and I saw two marriage counselors together, and each saw individual counselors and again things just got progressively worse. Over the year, my husband moved out of our marital bed, eventually moved out of the house, and had an affair.

Changing the Momentum of My Marriage

I started the tele-boot camp the week my husband moved out. Within 2 weeks of starting, the momentum of my marriage started changing. I learned to change my focus from my feelings and my reaction to my husband’s behavior to of my intentions and my desired outcome.

Your program helps you stay focused despite the results that you initially get.

Unconditional Love Ended My Husband’s Affair!

Conventional wisdom and advice tells you to use tough love to get what you want, to make demands, to not accept bad behavior. The problem is that this advice is ineffective. You taught me how to love unconditionally, how to become the person I wanted to become so that my spouse would be crazy not to love me. By changing myself despite what my husband was doing, I learned how to become lovable again instead of being cold, disappointed, bitter and disillusioned.

Within two months my husband moved back in, ended the affair, and is working on building our marriage. He has re-engaged with family life, reached out to our extended family to build bridges and is focusing on meeting my needs.

The reason your program is so different from anything that is out there is because you help people achieve their desired outcome. In addition to not judging them for wanting their desired outcome, you encourage them and admire them for their strength of conviction and moral compass.

Staying on the Path to Success

Once I started your program, I blocked out all other noise with regards to rebuilding my marriage. You are my mentor and my support system. Whenever I have a bad day with my husband and lose focus, I re-read your book, listen to your CDs, or tune into a tele-conference. I would have spent thousands of dollars with my therapist and I still could not have achieved my desired outcome.

From the bottom of my heart – thank you. YOUR PROGRAM turned my marriage around. I know I would have survived had my marriage failed, but I didn’t want to survive – I wanted to stay married. I wanted my old, loving, kind and caring husband back, and he’s coming.

I couldn’t recommend your program more.

Sincerely,

If you have been searching for advice on how to tell if your husband is having an affair, you will really benefit from the email advice we offer. There is no cost and nothing to lose! Sign up below for tips on how to end your husband’s affair.

Posted in Catch Cheating, How to save my marriage, How to save your marriage, Marriage Infidelity, Save my marriage, Stop Divorce | Tagged how to end my husband's affair, how to tell if your husband is having an affair, is my husband having an affair | Comments Off

What Can I Do To Make My Husband Happy

Posted on February 8, 2012 by mf

What Can I Do To Make My Husband Happy

Three months ago “HMD” and her husband and were so unhappy. She came to Mort Fertel asking, “What can I do to make my husband happy?” At first her husband resisted and he made it clear that he wanted a divorce. With the help of the Marriage Fitness program, she was able to turn her marriage around alone and make her husband happy again!

Dear Mort,

I just wanted to thank you for helping me save my marriage.

The Downward Spiral

We have been married 6 ½ years. My husband travels for work. As a result, more than 50% of our married life has been spent apart. This has really taken a toll on us. I have to wonder if any two people have been as hateful and volatile as we became! We’ve been to marriage counseling 4 times in the last 6 years, and it didn’t help a bit. We were the couple that made others jealous, but behind closed doors we could be worst enemies. When we weren’t fighting, we were ignoring and avoiding each other, which was easy to do with him gone so much.

“My Husband Told me he was Done”

Three months ago my husband told me he was done. He couldn’t handle the fighting anymore and wanted to move out. He said he didn’t love me like a husband should love his wife. He said he just didn’t care enough to try anymore. He said he wanted a divorce. Normally I was the one in our marriage who threw that word around. But when he said it, my world came crashing down. It was the first time he had ever said something like that and I knew he was serious.

Learning How to Make my Husband Happy Again

After the initial shock wore off, I decided not to just give up and let the divorce happen. I got online and found your program. With the money back guarantee I figured I had nothing to lose. My husband had made it clear that he was done trying so I went with the Lone Ranger program.

It was really difficult, especially in the beginning. For all the positive things I did, he was still very negative. I would drive 5 hours to see him, take him homemade food, and he would kick me out. But I persevered. It has been 3 months, and my husband now says he is in love with me! He makes me coffee every morning and he helps with the chores. We are making plans for the future!

I owe it all to you. Thanks for everything!

HMD

If you’ve been asking yourself, “What Can I do to Make my Husband Happy?”, sign up for ideas below. It’s completely free!

Posted in How to save my marriage, How to save your marriage, Marriage Problems, Stop Divorce | Tagged How do I make my husband happy, husband is unhappy, What Can I Do To Make My Husband Happy, why is my husband happy | Comments Off

Does separation work?

Posted on February 7, 2012 by mf

Does separation work?

Many people wonder, “Does separation work?”

Debby and her husband tried to see if separation would work for them. Debby’s husband moved out to live with another woman. With the help of the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp program, her husband moved back into their home for good! Their marriage is better than ever!

If you’ve been asking yourself does separation work, read Debby’s email to us below:

Separation After 30 Years

“I wanted to thank you for your support during my recent separation from my husband of 30 years. I wanted to share my happy ending with you.

We have always had what everyone thought was the “perfect marriage” and so did I. We had our ups and downs, but we were caring, giving, and loving with each other. My husband, however, after turning 50 seemed to think he had missed out on something, and left me for another woman. I was devastated, and did not see it coming as we had always been best friends, had a great sex life, and had worked together in our family medical office. He had become unhappy in life, and our children had recently moved away from our small town, so we moved to a larger city. He had gastric bypass, lost 150 pounds, and for the first time in a long time had more female attention than he was used to. I was stressed with the move, a new job, had taken on 17 UC and FM offices as Medical Director, and we were living in an apartment with our college age children trying to figure out where we wanted to buy a home. He met a woman during this vulnerable time, and despite a wonderful 2 weeks in Maui, when we returned, he moved out to live with her. That is when I found your program.

Saving a Marriage Alone

I started it on my own, and then got him to listen to some of the CD’s. We talked. We e-mailed. We worked together at an UC and no one there ever knew we had separated. We love each other, and he was miserable and sad, and felt very guilty for his actions, but due to that, he did not attend our counseling session with you either. I did not give up. You kept my faith up that things could get better. I loved him through his crisis, and reminded him of our strengths and history. I gave him cards, brought him Starbucks when he was working, made him treats with notes left on his desk at work, and sent him a postcard to the office (didn’t want to send it to her house) when I went to visit my brother in CA saying I wish you were here. He would call me on the phone and we would talk for hours, and he would e-mail me jokes or funny things to read. And so it began.

After 2 1/2 months, he begged my forgiveness, I begged his, and we reaffirmed our love, and he came back home. The children were angry with him, but we loved them through this and talked openly with them about how all relationships have problems, but it is how we handle those problems that make us who we are, and allow us to reap the benefits of our efforts. We told them that the most important thing is that we did not give up on each other, and now we were stronger than before.

Celebrating Our 30th Anniversary!

My husband and I have been back together for 5 months. We renewed our vows with our children officiating at our 30th anniversary 8/9/10, we have purchased our dream home, have coordinated our schedules to have 3 days off per week together when we rock climb, ski, hike, or relax. We have finished our medical thriller, “The Clones of Harvest Home,” and Catherine Coulter and her agent are assisting us with the publishing process. We have taken a 2 1/2 week vacation to Maui, and have been even closer than before we split up. As I said, we have been each other’s best friend since we were 19, and continue to be, but our trials have taught us so much about each other. We are very in love, and know that we will have some ups and downs, but know that we are soul mates, and will be together forever.

Thank you for helping us have the strength to get through this most difficult time. I am not sure I could have done it without you. I would have given up and believed that because he was with someone else that we were done. If I had not reached out to him, his pride would not have let him come back I am sure. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your wonderful philosophy and program. We are forever indebted.

I have recommended your program to several of my patients, and co-workers, and I hope they will take advantage of what you offer, and reap the benefits as well. Happy holidays.

Gratefully,

Debby Salter, M.D.

(you may use this testimonial if you would like to – I would be honored)”

If you’re considering separation and want to know if separation really works, sign up for our FREE email advice below.

Posted in How to save a marriage, How to save my marriage, How to save your marriage, Marriage Infidelity, Save my marriage, Stop Divorce | Tagged does separation save marriages, does separation stop divorces, does separation work | Comments Off

How To Get My Husband Back

Posted on February 3, 2012 by mf

How To Get My Husband Back

Over the years, we have received numerous emails and calls from women with the same goal of, “How to get my husband back”. I’d like to share with you a story about a woman named Melissa. She was also wondering how to get her husband back. She found our program and decided to try it as a last ditch effort to save her marriage. Read below to learn how Melissa got her husband back.

Melissa’s Story:

Dear Mort,

Words cannot express my gratitude for you and your program. I ordered your program out of desperation as a last ditch effort to save my marriage. I wanted to be able to say “at least I tried”. I found out that my husband was having an affair, he was determined to get a divorce and move out. There was nothing (according to him) that I could say or do to change his mind. He said that he was a train that could not be derailed. The advertisement for your program said that it addressed all of the problems that we were having and everything my husband was saying, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” and “I’m checked out…it’s over”. I thought your program would be too good to be true, but I gave it a shot.

“He said that he no longer wanted a divorce…”

I have been in the lone ranger program for 6 weeks now and I could not have dreamed of a better outcome. My husband and I are more connected now than we have been in 10 years. Maybe more than we have ever been. After two weeks of being in the program, my husband came home one night and asked me why I was being so nice. He said that he didn’t know what was going on, but that he really liked it and appreciated it. At that point he said that he hadn’t changed his mind YET, but that he really liked it. From then on our relationship blossomed. He started giving me touch and talk without even knowing it. Now he looks forward to spending time with me as opposed to trying to get away from me. Last night he said that he no longer wanted a divorce and that he felt that we were very connected and thought things would work between us. I cannot pin point what did it, but whatever it was it is all thanks to you. I keep pinching myself to see if I am dreaming. Everything has changed so quickly, it is truly amazing. You are a gift from God. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

- Melissa K.

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Posted in Free marriage counseling online, Free online marriage counseling, Save my marriage, Stop Divorce | Tagged get husband back, How do I get my husband back, How To Get My Husband Back | Comments Off

Married Woman Cheating

Posted on January 25, 2012 by Mort Fertel

Married Woman Cheating: Thoughts from a Woman Who Did

Two years ago, if you had asked me if I would ever cheat on my husband, I would have been very comfortable saying that I absolutely would not. I remember in the past, reading about married women cheating and feeling very self-righteous and looking down on these women. My thought was that unhappily married women should either try to fix their marriage or get out, but not cheat.

I Had No Intention of Being One of Those Women

But, last year I did become one of those married women cheating on her husband. My husband and I had just had our fourteenth anniversary a few months earlier and although we had some problems, I was not one of those unhappily married women who consciously decided to sleep with another man because I was unhappy.

We had been drifting apart for almost a year. We were spending less time together, especially alone, without the kids. We rarely laughed anymore or talked about anything important. Gradually, we were having sex less and less. Even so, I had no desire to be one of those married women cheating on her husband for excitement or attention or any of those reasons that married women have affairs.

It Was Completely Unplanned

However, while our kids were away for three weeks at summer camp, I went back to my hometown to spend some time with family. I had been home for a week when I ran into an old friend (not a boyfriend) from high school who invited me out for coffee. We got together three more times, all very innocent and public, before we found ourselves having sex at his home.

Because I had never dated this man and wasn’t particularly physically attracted to him at first, I thought nothing of spending time with him. But, like a lot of unhappily married women, I was so flattered by his compliments, his attention and his telling me that he had always had a thing for me and still carried a torch. I guess these were things I had wanted to hear.

Once Was Enough

I never saw the man again after we had sex, although he continued to call for a few days. I was absolutely devastated that I had become one of those married women cheating on her husband with someone she barely knew, simply because he gave her attention. I went home a few days early, telling my husband that I had gotten bored and homesick. I was actually disappointed that he couldn’t tell something was really wrong. A couple of weeks later, I decided to see a marriage counselor.

Counseling Helped Me See My Situation Differently

The first thing the counselor wanted to work on was my guilt. He wasn’t trying to get me to let go of it, because I had done something very wrong, but he wanted me to use it as motivation to fix the problems in my marriage.

We talked a lot about how I had helped contribute to my husband’s distance by being distracted with all of my duties and projects and by waiting for my husband to initiate romance when I could do the same. I started seeing how I had helped create the situation I was in and that made me a lot less resentful toward my husband and a lot more willing to fix my marriage. Surprisingly, my counselor didn’t insist that I needed to tell my husband that I cheated and so far, I haven’t.

Don’t Think You’re Immune

I’ve heard statistics saying that married women are cheating more than ever before, partly because we are all so busy these days. I think that’s what started our issues. Since then, I’ve been very intentional about spending time alone with my husband, focusing on us as a couple and working on my own issues as well. I still go to counseling every other week and am probably going to ask my husband to go soon.

Please don’t think you would never become a married woman cheating with someone else. I never thought it would be me, but I should have taken steps to make sure.

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Cheating In Marriage

Posted on January 24, 2012 by Mort Fertel

Cheating In Marriage: How to Spot It, How to Prevent It

Three years ago, I was mortified and frightened to find myself cheating in marriage. I had been married for six years at the time, and because my husband had had a one night stand in our first year of marriage that completely devastated me, I never thought that I would cheat.

My husband had gone to counseling for the cheating for several months and had suggested we go to couples counseling, but I I felt I just wanted to put the whole thing behind us.

My name is Amelia Potsmore and I’m pleased to be able to share my story with you. Keep reading to learn more about what happened and how my husband and I were able to overcome our marital problems.

His Cheating Made Me Paranoid For Months

For months after my husband’s cheating, I was a paranoid, insecure wife. I was always looking for signs of cheating and read every article I saw on the signs of a cheating spouse. I watched him like a hawk, questioned him about everything and saw signs of cheating everywhere I looked, although I now know that he never cheated again.

I Never Saw Myself Cheating In Marriage

For a few years, I spent a great deal of energy trying to be everything I thought my husband wanted me to be to keep his cheating from ever happening again. It was exhausting and it was hard on my self-esteem.

Although my husband was faithful and was attentive most of the time, any kind of rejection or disappointment made me look for signs of cheating again. Intellectually, I knew that he shouldn’t be expected to rave every time I wore a new dress or planned a special meal, but I was still suspicious and hurt when he didn’t.

Cheating On Your Spouse Can Be Unexpected

Then three years ago, a new coworker started asking me out for coffee or lunch. He was handsome, he was very attentive and he seemed so interested in me as a person. It fed into everything I was going through. His interest was more of a relief than it was exciting. If I had felt excited, I think I would have heard warning bells sooner.

Three months after we started spending time together, we had sex for the first time. I was completely blown away and was sick about it for weeks. But this man showed so much concern for how I felt and insisted that he loved me. It just drew me back. I think that I felt that if it were really love, it wouldn’t be so awful or such a waste of my faithfulness, if that makes sense.

My Husband Found Out Eventually

I tried to justify or romanticize my affair, but the truth was that it made me miserable and I knew that I wasn’t in love with this man. I was trying to get up the courage to break it off when my husband told me he knew I was cheating in the marriage. I guess because he had cheated himself and had gone to marriage counseling for cheating, he was able to see signs of cheating easier than I had.

Surprisingly, my husband didn’t suggest divorce, but finding a couples program. I expected him to leave me, but he was so understanding. He was angry and hurt, but also told me that he knew how easily cheating on your spouse could happen.

Counseling is Essential to Prevent Cheating In Marriage

We are still in counseling and still working on rebuilding our marriage, but I know that Mort Fertel’s counseling is helping us to be better spouses and have a stronger relationship.

If you’re considering cheating in your marriage or if you see signs of a cheating spouse, get help. Your marriage doesn’t have to be over and you don’t have to deal with the pain of having an affair. A good counseling program can help you prevent cheating. Marriage Fitness is what we used and we couldn’t be happier with the results.

If you want to try it yourself, simply scroll up to the top of the page and fill out the form. You’ll get the first lesson for free.

Go to the main page of the Marriage Max blog

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Marriage Boredom

Posted on January 20, 2012 by Mort Fertel

How We Saved Our Marriage from Boredom

I’m so pleased that I was invited to share our recent experience with using marriage counseling to learn how to stop the track of marital boredom that we’d been on. My name is Patricia Brock and my husband Vincent and I have been married for what will soon be seventeen years. Last summer, we went through couples counseling for several weeks to help us learn how to deal with the relationship boredom we were both feeling and we both truly believed it saved our marriage from boredom.

We Were Good, Just Not Great

I should say here that we weren’t necessarily unhappy, and have been fortunate enough not to have any serious issues in our marriage, but boredom had started creeping in over the last six or seven years. We rarely did anything together anymore that wasn’t related to the kids or the house. We almost never celebrated special occasions such as anniversaries and Valentine’s Day, except to get each other cards or small gifts. We really realized we had serious trouble with marriage boredom, though, when we both admitted that we just weren’t that interested in sex anymore. By that time, early last year, we were down to making love perhaps once a month.

Luckily, We Both Cared about Rescuing Our Marriage from Boredom

I think that we’re very fortunate that we both still loved each other and were very committed to staying in the marriage, but we honestly didn’t know how to do that without fixing our marital boredom. We went to premarital counseling before we got married, but we were never spoken to about relationship boredom or our marriage getting stale.

Luckily, a couple that we’re very close to recommended a marriage counselor not far from our home and we were both reluctant to try counseling but we did care enough to at least give it a shot. We were worried that all of the counselor’s advice would be sex-related and we knew that the lack of sex was a result of our relationship boredom but just having sex was not the answer to it.

The Marriage Boredom Didn’t Go Away Instantly, but It Is Gone

Counseling was very different from what we expected. The counselor agreed that just having sex probably wouldn’t help our marriage, but she did point out that if we didn’t get our sex life back on track, we would be putting our marriage at risk for infidelity and possible divorce. However, once that was established, she helped us to find ways to take our marriage from boredom to exciting again. It wasn’t instant and it wasn’t always easy, but it also wasn’t painful, confrontational or uncomfortable. She helped us relearn how to really talk to each other instead of just communicating information. She also challenged us to try one new thing together each week, whether it was an activity, a restaurant or whatever.

I think that was what helped us most. Golf didn’t go over very well, but the morning runs did and so did a lot of other things, even trying sushi for the first time. We hated it, but we laughed and had a great evening and remembered what it was like to discover each other and the discover things together, which in turn helped us to rekindle the interest in each other.

If you are unhappy in your marriage because boredom has set in, don’t hesitate to go for help. It is so worthwhile!

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Signs He is Cheating

Posted on January 18, 2012 by Mort Fertel

Signs He Is Cheating: I Recognized Them and Got Help for our Marriage

I have to admit that I was a little nervous about writing this guest post, but I know that there are so many women out there who are in the same situation I was just six months ago. My name is Rachel and I’ve been married to my husband for almost nine years. We married straight out of college and were very much in love. Then last year I started worrying that something was seriously wrong.

We have three kids, ages seven to two and I have been a stay at home mom since our youngest was born. The problems started very soon after I came home full time. At first, things were great. I was so excited to be doing all of the mommy things that I had been missing when I worked as an ER nurse. I really threw myself into it and tried to be Martha Stewart and June Cleaver wrapped in one. At first, my husband seemed really happy to be getting great home cooked dinners and a more organized home life, but then I started to feel that he was becoming distant.

I Started Looking for Signs He Was Cheating

I’ll admit that I have always had a bit of a jealous or insecure streak, but I really started thinking I was seeing signs he cheated on me. He started working late at least once a week, even though he never had before and always had a different reason why. You know how you always see magazine articles like, “Signs He Is Cheating on You”? I started reading them, even though I probably shouldn’t have relied on them. Even so, I gobbled up these signs he is cheating-type articles and TV shows and I couldn’t help but recognize some of the signs a husband is cheating in my own marriage.

He started leaving his cell phone in the car when he came home, or turned off in his briefcase. That was after he seemed to panic when I started to answer it one night. He also stopped asking me to go out to dinner on the weekends or initiating lovemaking. I finally had enough and confronted him.

The Signs He Cheated Were Right and the Truth Was Awful

I wasn’t hostile or accusing when I finally talked to my husband, because I wasn’t positive that he was cheating, but I did tell him that I was almost convinced that he was and that I was scared. I told him I saw signs that he cheated and needed to know the truth. At first, he denied it, but then he broke down and told me the truth-he had met a woman from work for drinks a few times and ended up sleeping with her. He had broken it off weeks before, but she was still there.

Even though I was almost prepared to hear the truth, it devastated me to hear it from him. There was a lot of crying and a lot of yelling and then he suggested we get counseling. I wouldn’t have ever thought he’d agree to it, much less suggest it himself.

Counseling Probably Saved Our Marriage

We saw a counselor for almost six months and I’m positive that we could not have come this far on our own. If you see signs that your husband is cheating, get help. Many of the signs of a husband cheating are pretty universal. If you have that feeling and see signs that he is cheating, talk to him and go find a good counselor. It wasn’t too late for us and it might not be for you.

We did a lot of work in counseling and I learned that we were both responsible in some ways, even though he took full responsibility for the actual affair. We aren’t perfect yet, but when my husband left his job to distance himself from the other woman, I knew he was committed to making our marriage work.

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Bored with Wife

Posted on January 16, 2012 by Mort Fertel

Bored of Your Wife? You Can Fix It!

My wife and I have been married for a little over twelve years and have two kids who are nine and five. We’ve been really happy most of the time, but last year we started having some real problems.

The upshot was that I was bored of my wife and was actually scared that I would do something idiotic like have an affair. Since I knew that I still loved my wife and that I wanted our family to stay together, I finally decided to do something about it.

My name is Gerald Powers and you can keep reading if you’re interested in learning more about what I did to handle the situation.

A Change In Lifestyle Started the Problems

My wife is a terrific woman and very attractive, but things had changed since she decided to leave her job and try to build a career at home as a writer. I wanted her to do it, but once she was at home, things were different.

Previously, she had worked for a stock brokerage right around the corner from my office. We used to have lunch at least once a week, go out for drinks with friends once or twice a month and even hit a hotel room now and then on a Friday night. I loved the way she looked in a suit or skirt and the way she was such a go-getter at work. I found the whole thing very attractive.

Once she started working at home, though, she stopped dressing up, spending most of her days in sweats and tee shirts. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a beautiful woman either way, but I did miss her all dressed up and looking so polished.

I’m not saying I was bored with my wife because she didn’t dress up anymore, because there was more to it. We also seemed to have less and less to talk about. When we were both in the same industry, we had a lot of work-related conversation and debate, which was fun.

Talking About It Was the Hardest Part

I had heard more than one man justify cheating by saying, “My wife is boring”, as though that were an excuse. I started to get scared that being bored of my wife was going to lead me into something I really didn’t want. I was bored of my wife, but I wasn’t interested in ending my marriage or hurting her.

I finally decided that I needed to talk to Laura about it. Getting up the courage to do it was the hardest part of the whole thing. She did take it very hard and things were very tense for a few days until I suggested we go seek a marriage counseling alternative.

The Sessions Helped Me See Why I Was Bored With My Wife

Obviously, I didn’t immediately start sharing about why I thought I was bored of my wife. However, we did eventually get to that topic before the end of our first session. I think we were both surprised when we realized that not only get past it, but we could easily overcome it in the future.

We started talking to each other about the issue in ways that weren’t harsh or hurtful. I was really surprised to hear that she had her own struggles with self-esteem and feeling less attractive and interesting since she’d started working at home. I was also surprised, but almost relieved, to hear that she was feeling bored with me, too. Not since the changes, but before!

The Help Wasn’t Hard to Take At All

Once we got that out in the open, we really started to figure out what we were doing wrong (because we were both oblivious) and how to fix it. After we started making progress, it actually was fun.

My wife also started dressing up a bit-still casual, but nicer-and not just for me, but for herself. She felt sexier, so she acted more sexually confident again, too.

Now, almost seven months later, I get a little rush every time I come home.

I urge you to give Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel a try. It worked for us and I’m confident that your relationship can benefit as well.

It’s even free to get started. All you need to do is scroll up to the top of the page and fill out the request form for your first lesson (that’s what got us started).

Go to the main page of the Marriage Max blog

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Bored With Husband

Posted on January 13, 2012 by Mort Fertel

How I Went from Being Bored With My Husband to Falling In Love

How I went from bored to falling in love with my husband

I hesitated to contribute my story to this blog because I thought that I would be too embarrassed to admit that I sought counseling because I was bored with my husband.

To tell you the truth, it was my husband who talked me into doing this guest post. What really convinced me was the fact that there are probably a lot of women reading this who have secretly said, “My husband is boring and I’m tempted to leave or look elsewhere.”

My name’s Helen Grontz. Keep reading to learn more about what my husband and I did to rekindle our marriage and how it can work for you.

My Husband Was Great, but I Was Getting Bored in My Marriage

I started realizing that I was becoming bored in my marriage about two years ago, right after we had our twins.

My husband was wonderful, really, coming home right after work and staying home on weekends just to hang out with the babies. I guess that I started to see him as just a father, and not as the sexy, fun man I fell in love with. It didn’t help that I knew he was behaving exactly the way most people (including me) would say he should. I started heaping a lot of guilt onto myself for being bored with my husband when he was being the perfect daddy.

Feeling bad about being bored in my marriage just seemed to add to the problem. Because I felt guilty, I started feeling angry. I even resented Rob for not being what I needed right then or for not seeing that I needed anything other than a perfect father for my girls.

I Could See That Being Bored With My Husband Was Dangerous

Eventually, I realized that the way I was feeling was going to get us into a lot of trouble if we didn’t fix it. I decided to try a marriage program that my sister and her husband had used about 2 years ago.

I didn’t talk to my husband about using the program and I didn’t want him to go with me, because I really felt that I was the problem. I also felt scared that I’d have to come out and say, “My husband is boring me.”

Getting Help Wasn’t As Hard As I Expected

Even with my sister’s glowing recommendation, I was extremely nervous about using a marital program at first. I think I expected condemnation or at least disapproval to be evident as I made my way through. Of course, that was my own guilt talking.

My decision to follow through he program began to help me to put things in perspective by myself at first. It helped me understand that what I was feeling was natural; that we had gone from being a young couple that went out to dinner a lot, went dancing and traveled to a couple of parents and that this transition is hard for a lot of parents, especially when they haven’t been married very long.

I also began to figure out that the weight I hadn’t lost yet was also part of my problem; that I saw Rob’s transition to a devoted dad as an alternative to being the lover of his overweight wife. Once I really saw where my feelings were coming from, I talked to Rob and he was scared and hurt at first, but very willing to come to counseling with me. The counseling helped us to work out ways to keep the romance and the “couplehood” in our marriage while we grew into parenthood.

I’m so glad that I got help when I did, rather than continuing to be bored with my husband and possibly doing something to damage my marriage.

So if you want the kind of help that I received then you need to sign up free for Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel. The form is at the top of the page and you receive the first lesson for free.

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Insecurity in Marriage

Posted on December 27, 2011 by Mort Fertel

How I Conquered Insecurity in Our Marriage

insecurity in marriage

My name is Monica Dewhurst and until about six months ago, I was seriously worried that I was going to destroy my own marriage.

I’ve been married for twelve years to my college sweetheart and before we got married, I never would have expected to have issues with insecurity in marriage, but I did and they became a very serious problem.

I really appreciate the opportunity to share my experience with other women who are having problems with trust issues in a relationship, because I could have used this information myself a long time ago.

Keep reading to learn more about what I discovered and how it may be able to help you.

I Never Expected to Have This Problem

I love my husband dearly and never worried about coping with jealousy until he took a job four years ago that required him to travel most of the month. I had, in the past, had to work on overcoming insecurity occasionally, since my husband is a very friendly, attractive man who appeals to women.

He never flirted or gave me any reason to be suspicious, but when he attracted a woman just a little too much at a party or some other occasion, it made me really uncomfortable. When he started traveling, though, I was surprised at how insecure it made me feel and it just seemed to get worse. I didn’t know how to have a successful marriage while coping with jealousy that was so overwhelming.

When he started dreading all the questions when he got home, we decided to seek help. I didn’t know how to get over this jealousy on my own and he didn’t know how to help me.

I Finally Realized Where It Came From

We found a really wonderful marriage counseling program that didn’t make me feel like I was crazy and didn’t make my husband feel responsible for my feelings. Over the course of about four months, I used the program about once a week and we used it together once a month when my husband was home.

The program helped me to see that my insecurity in marriage wasn’t based on reality. It helped me to understand that my trust issues in a relationship came from my own parents’ divorce and the fact that my father had had several affairs while he had traveled on business.

Once I understood why I was having such a hard time with my insecurity in marriage, I was able to learn how to have a successful marriage in spite of it.

Fighting Fear with Reality

Sometimes when you’re in the middle of a very emotional situation, it’s hard to see past the emotion to the root of the problem. A marriage counseling program helped me to do that.

Part of getting over fear is to get a really good look at the thing you’re afraid of. It’s kind of like those haunted houses you go through on Halloween; you’re more afraid of the unseen. Once the boogie man jumps out, he’s not really all that scary.

For me, the boogie man wasn’t some unknown woman who might steal my husband while he was away; it was the memory of how having a traveling husband had been a very hurtful and disastrous situation for my mom.

Getting Better All the Time

I am very happy to say that my marriage is now much stronger and that I’ve learned ways to nip those jealous feelings in the bud when they try to pop up every now and then. It happens less and less often and when it does, I’m able to analyze it, see it for what it is and then toss it out.

If you’re going through a similar situation, I really encourage you to use Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel, even if you have to do it alone. To get started, simply fill out the form at the top of the page and you’ll get the first course for free.

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Responsibilities In Marriage

Posted on December 27, 2011 by Mort Fertel

How We Learned to Handle Responsibilities in Marriage

responsibilities in a marriage

My husband Jeff and I were having a lot of arguments about our responsibilities in marriage. My name is Gina Pruitt and I just recently went through a few months of a marriage program because my husband and I felt that it was becoming a serious problem that actually threatened our marriage.

We knew we needed help to resolve our issues. Seeking advice was the best thing that we could have done and I’m really happy that I was invited to share our story with other couples.

Keep reading and I’ll show you what made us realize we were in trouble and how we handled it.

We Never Actually Decided Our Responsibilities in the Marriage

When we started using the program, the first thing we realized was that we never actually divided up or agreed on the responsibilities in marriage.Our responsibilities just sort of fell into a pattern and that had become the main source of our problems.

My husband has always been really good at managing finances, so after we got married I just sort of felt that since he knew how to handle finances, he should. It never really occurred to me that he might not enjoy being the only one who had to deal with managing the finances. And, since I wasn’t really good at handling bills, he never suggested I share the duties.

What made it worse was that he made some buying decisions I didn’t really agree with and we ended up racking up some debts that created a hardship. All of the things I’ve read about the dangers of marriage and debt are completely true; I was really resentful of the payments and this created a lot of tension.

Finding a Middle Ground Was The Answer for Us

Once the program helped us see that it was important for us to more fairly divide our responsibilities in marriage, we worked on finding a good middle ground. Even though the handling the finances and bill paying were still primarily my husband’s responsibilities, I took charge of organizing all of the paperwork and also took over filing our taxes online, which my husband hated doing.

In return for sharing this role, he agreed that we would have to unanimously agree to any purchase over $200. This one step alone went a long way toward strengthening our marriage and debt is no longer a problem for us.

Now We’re Working Together, Too

One interesting change we didn’t really think about or expect is that we’re actually spending more time together handling our money. My husband is teaching me how to handle finances better and I’m teaching him how to search out the best deals and be patient when buying things.

It probably doesn’t sound like that much fun, but we are actually enjoying learning from each other instead of working against each other.

Marriage Counseling Can Help With Any Marital Problem

Before we had these issues, I always thought of marriage programs as something for couples with problems like infidelity or abuse. Now that we’ve been through a marriage program ourselves, I realize that seeking help is a real solution for couples that are having any kind of trouble in their relationship. I’m sure that if we have different problems in the future, we would both be very quick to suggest going back to our marriage counselor for some sound and practical advice.

If you’re having issues, whether it’s with marital responsibilities or anything else, I would really recommend Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel. I think it saved us years of resentment and arguing.

So, take the first step (that’s the hardest part) and sign up for the program. You can get started by filling out the form at the top of the screen and you’ll get your first lesson for free. If you don’t like it, find another alternative! But I urge you—do something before it’s too late!

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Emotional Needs In Marriage

Posted on December 27, 2011 by Mort Fertel

How We Prepared to Handle Emotional Needs in Marriage

Seeking a marriage advice helped my husband and I to better handle emotional needs in our marriage….before we actually got married. It was a great experience and we’re both convinced that going through it was an incredibly smart decision.

My name is Serena Witt and I’m really happy that I was given this chance to tell other couples about how we solved our marital issues and how you can do the same!

Planning Ahead, Accidentally

Kyle and I are both twenty-four and we got married last year, straight out of college. Because we knew we were young and that the divorce statistics were against us, we were really open to a suggestion from a friend that we get some kind of pre-marital counseling.

We were still looking for some kind of marriage advice when Kyle saw an ad for an online marriage program by Mort Fertel.The program wasn’t premarital counseling, but it did it touch on understanding and handling your spouse’s emotional needs in marriage and that really intrigued us.

We’ve seen plenty of magazine articles and talk shows talking about how to fall back in love and how to make your spouse love you, and we both thought that we’d need that during our relationship. Now that we’ve gone through the program, however, we know that problems can be lurking closer than you think.

We Learned How to Love Effectively

The program really struck me on the first night. It brought up issues like “loving effectively”, which was about not only understanding each person’s emotional needs in marriage, but also know how to communicate better with your spouse to make your own needs understood.

Once you know how to communicate better with your spouse, you can effectively act on what you hear and say. That made perfect sense to us and we actually had a lot of fun with some really cool communication exercises they used to help us see how well we really listened to each other and how well we conveyed our thoughts and feelings.

We Learned about the Different Types of Romance

I’ve always thought that feeling loved was one of the most important emotional needs in marriage, but one of the things we learned at the workshop was that feeling valued was separate from feeling loved. This is also one of the first needs to sort of fall by the wayside after you get married.

That program illustrated how romancing your wife is great, but all the flowers and candy won’t work if she doesn’t feel valued and needed as a partner. It also showed us that of all the ways to love your husband, the most important one was making him feel respected and needed. All of this stuff was common sense, in a way, but not anything that we’d ever really thought seriously about with emotional needs in our marriage.

So Far, So Very Good

Now that we’ve been married for almost a year, Kyle and I both think that the marriage program really helped us to start our marriage with a much better chance of staying married for life.

A lot of newlyweds go into marriage with wonderful, romantic, but naïve ideas about what makes a marriage strong and what keeps a couple in love. We were pretty much the same way, but Mort Fertel’s program really helped us to see the more practical side of romance; that love is something you work on every day and that working at it doesn’t make it any less wonderful.

So, if you’re ready to start a strong marriage or you want to strengthen your relationship, then I urge you to try Marriage Fitness. It helped us and I know it can help you. To get started, all you need to do is fill out the form at the top of the page and you’ll get the first lesson for free.

I think we have a great chance of celebrating our fiftieth wedding anniversary.

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How to Strengthen a Marriage

Posted on December 19, 2011 by mf

How to Strengthen a Marriage

Hi, my name is Adina Ohana. As a guest blogger for the Marriage Counseling Blog, I am often asked how to strengthen a marriage. There are so many helpful strategies for strengthening your marriage. This article will give you some great and easy-to-apply tips on how to strengthen a marriage.

I recently received an email from a woman named Jenny. The main issue in her marriage was time management.

She and her spouse had difficulty making time for each other or any of the big goals they had for themselves. They were caught up in their children’s activities and day-to-day necessities. They simply forgot to prioritize each other.

Time Management Skills Can Strengthen a Marriage

Time management in a marriage can be really difficult.

We might need to change the way we look at time. I recently heard time compared to money. We have 86,400 seconds in a day. Now imagine if that were our daily budget in dollars. Picture walking into the bank every morning only to find out your balance was $86,400 dollars. And it was yours to do whatever you’d like with. The only catch is that whatever you do not use by the next day is discarded of. There are no rollover balances. You can’t catch up the next day. It is what it is. You have $86,400 dollars for that day only.

You would make sure to withdraw every last penny, right? You would maximize every dollar. You would take advantage of it!

That’s what you need to do with time. You are given this precious gift of 86,400 seconds EVERY SINGLE DAY WITHOUT FAIL. Utilize them! Maximize their potential!

How Are You Spending The Time You Have?

Now let’s focus on Jenny specifically. She had a plan. She even had a planner. She had daily goals. The issue was with sticking to them.

So here’s how to strengthen your marriage using time management. First, try to figure out what you are doing with your time instead. Are you wasting time with TV? Television really eats up time and it is so important to eliminate it. If that’s not possible, you can always unplug it and just plug it in when you absolutely “need it”.

Maybe it’s not television. Maybe it’s the order in which you are accomplishing your tasks. You mentioned you get the small yet necessary tasks out of the way. It sounds like there are some large goals that may not be as urgent or necessary and you have not yet had time for them.

Re-Prioritize Your Daily Tasks

So why not reverse your priorities? You know you’ll get the necessary stuff done. You have in the past and you seem pressured to do so. Try tackling your big goals first. Are you working on writing a book? Do it first thing in the morning. Redecorating the house? Set aside a couple of hours in the morning to do that BEFORE you tackle your daily essential tasks.

In the case of your marriage, a “big goal” might even be a date with your spouse. You may have gotten in the habit of pushing off your dates until the evening. For some couples, that might work. For others, you may be tired by the end of the day and just request a rain check. If that sounds like you, try scheduling a morning date with your spouse.

Making Room for Your Spouse

You may have heard this great example about time management in the form of filling a jar. If you put large rocks in a jar and fill it to the top, it may appear full, but there is always more room. You can add gravel, shake around the jar, and it will appear full once again. But there’s still more room… At that point you can add sand. And after that, you can STILL add water.

The ONLY way this is possible though, is too add the big rocks first.

So add your big rocks first. Take care of your big goals, your marriage, and then fill in the rest of the day’s cracks with your basic goals. By prioritizing your spouse you will truly strengthen your marriage.

Posted in Free marriage counseling online, Marriage counseling, Marriage Help, Marriage Problems, Save my marriage | Tagged How to Strengthen a Marriage, How to Strengthen my Marriage, How to Strengthen Your Marriage, Strengthening a Marriage, Ways to Strengthen a Marriage | Comments Off

Christian Marriage Retreats In Colorado

Posted on December 19, 2011 by mf

Christian Marriage Retreats In Colorado

My name is Brittany and as a guest blogger for the Marriage Counseling Blog, I wanted to review Christian Marriage Retreats in Colorado. Many couples seek advice and marriage counseling from their church. In this event, these couples usually sign up for a Christian marriage retreat. There are several Christian marriage retreats, but they do not compare to the Christian marriage retreats in Colorado. A lot of marriage retreats in Colorado provide individual solutions for union issues while creating a new beginning for couples.

Can a Marriage Retreat Retreat help your marriage?

A marriage can become quite complex and frustrating. When a couple seeks the assistance of Christian marriage retreats in Colorado, they would be offered support, care and close friends. Every marriage endures some form of stress and strain, but Christian marriage retreats in Colorado are here to help.

When a couple receives marital guidance while at a Christian marriage retreat in Colorado, they will be able to find and relight the spark within their marriage and get to know each other again.

Why Marriages Fall Apart

A marriage can drift apart for several different reasons, and a couple may not be aware of how to cope with the challenges they face. The two most common reasons for a marriage falling apart is a lack of communication and not enough time to enjoy being a couple.

Common ground is very important in any relationship and should be obtained before the relationship gets serious. Married couples tend to have issues here because of the lack of communication. Most of the time, couples are not ready to retire and their schedules conflict. As people age, their habits, moods, and personalities also change. This is one of the greatest reasons why communication is very critical.

When couples attend these retreats, not only do they spice up their marriage, but they also get to know their partner and spend quality time. These retreats have helped thousands of couples who thought that they had hit rock bottom and that there was nothing else that they could do. It is never too late to revive a marriage and regain any feelings or the partner that may have been lost.

Many couples find that they are drifting apart due to infidelity and other acts of dishonesty. Although these acts of dishonesty cause a terrible strain on marriages, this can be overcome and handled in matters of forgiveness. Although this is the leading cause of divorce and separation among couples, there are other contributing factors. The economy has also put a strain on many couple’s relationship, but this too can be overcome, dealt with and forgiven.

How a Marriage Retreat Can Save Your Marriage

These Christian retreats offer more than advice and guidance for couples who are struggling and heading towards divorce. Many couples find that attending these retreats help them in more ways than one; leaving their relationship better than ever before. There is never a situation too major or minor that can’t be fixed and put in the past. These retreats are in place to help couples with their marriage and provide them with solutions that they can use on a daily in order to help their relationship grow and prosper.

Posted in Marriage counseling, Marriage retreat, Save my marriage | Tagged Christian Marriage Retreats, Christian Marriage Retreats In Colorado, Colorado Marriage Retreats, Marriage Retreats | Comments Off

What I’ve Learned about Marriage Accountability

Posted on December 19, 2011 by mort

What I’ve Learned about Marriage Accountability

My name is Wendy Simon and my husband Mark and I went through a marriage workshop earlier this year to learn about marriage accountability; both what it means and how to get it. We are both so glad that we made the decision to seek help and I was thrilled to be asked to share our experience with other couples who may be having issues with marriage accountability.

Marriage accountability is about being honest and open with each other, but it’s also about roles and responsibilities and the division of labor in marriage and those two areas were what we were struggling with. We’ve been married for six years and have two children, ages four and two. It was when our two-year old son was born that we really started having marital problems.

A Change in Roles Created Unexpected Problems

We made a decision that I would leave my career as an ER nurse to stay home with our kids and that was a move that I was really excited to make. My husband was extremely supportive of my desire to be a stay at home Mom and was more than happy to shoulder the financial responsibilities, which can be of the most stressful marriage duties. I really appreciated his willingness to be our sole support, but we did run into trouble pretty quickly after I left my job.

When we were both working, we seemed to have a pretty fair division of labor in our marriage, but once I was home, I started feeling that I was carrying more than my fair share of the household chores and sometimes even the caregiving of our kids. While Mark has always been an involved Dad, it seemed like he was using his fulltime job as a reason to leave the evening caregiving duties to me, such as bathing the kids and getting them into bed. I also seemed to be doing more of the housework during the week, while we had been taking turns pretty evenly when I was working.

A One Week Workshop Resolved Our Issues

It became such an issue for us and such a frequent sore spot, that we decided to look into some workshops on marriage accountability that we had seen in the paper. It was probably one of the best decisions we’d ever made as a couple and we’re both so glad we made that decision before things got out of hand.

In the workshops, the counselors did some talking, but they also used role playing and other types of exercises (some of them actually pretty fun) to help us learn how to define our roles and responsibilities and find ways to divide the marriage duties so that we were both happy.

We Should Have Done This First!

We had pre-marital counseling before our wedding, but I really wish more had been said about marriage accountability. I think it’s an important topic for young couples to address before they get married. We’re thrilled with the results that we’ve gotten, but we wish we had gone to a workshop like this six years ago!

Posted in Free marriage counseling, How to save a marriage, How to save my marriage, How to save your marriage, Marriage Infidelity, Marriage Problems, Marriage therapy | Tagged emotional infidelity, how to save a marriage, marital help, marriage advice, marriage and infidelity, marriage counseling infidelity, marriage help | Comments Off

Counseling Taught Us How to Have a Healthy Marriage

Posted on December 19, 2011 by mort

Counseling Taught Us How to Have a Healthy Marriage

My name is Melissa Frankel and I’m really happy to have the opportunity to share my story of how counseling really helped my husband and I learn how to have a healthy marriage with their thoughtful and realistic guidance and relationship advice.

We Needed to Learn How to Have a Healthy Marriage

My husband Greg and I have been married for thirteen years and have four great kids, so we had a hard time at first with realizing that we were getting off track in our marriage. We were in good shape, but not great. We realized that we were so focused on maintaining our family that we had lost sight of maintaining our marriage. In the beginning of our marriage, before we had our first daughter, we were really focused on building our relationship, but kids really changed that focus. By the time our fourth child was born, we had really lost the romance and excitement.

We picked up a few books on how to have a healthy marriage and while they had some good tips for a healthy marriage and some relationship advice that seemed doable, we didn’t really follow through. About a year ago, we decided we needed more one-on-one help to show us how to have a healthy marriage while raising four kids, working and meeting all of the other obligations of a busy life.

Counseling Was Easier Than We Expected

We had some real concerns about getting marriage counseling. I think we expected it to be a lot more confrontational or tedious than it was. We loved each other and rarely argued, so we were a little afraid that instead of getting tips for a healthy marriage and help in building our romantic relationship again, we’d end up with issues we didn’t already have.

We were worried for no reason, though, because the whole process was actually pretty relaxed and even fun sometimes. The counselor didn’t try to make more out of our problems than they were and was focused is exactly on what we needed: advice about building our romantic life back up and practical things we needed to know about how to have a healthy marriage now and for years to come.

We Actually Enjoyed the Process

We did spend a lot of time talking and answering questions, but we also did things like role playing and games that made us laugh but also helped us communicate better and learn more about what was going on in each other’s heads.

We actually looked forward to our weekly counseling, because it was a chance to focus on our relationship instead of being so caught up in daily life and responsibilities. We laughed, we had a few surprises and we learned some things about each other that we didn’t know, even after thirteen years. It not only helped us, it made our relationship more exciting.

Now Our Marriage is Healthier Than Ever

We still go to a couples group once a month, but we no longer do the weekly counseling. We feel stronger than ever, laugh a lot more often and definitely are healthier sexually. We’ve started going on nice dates twice a month and even took a grown-ups only vacation last month while the kids were at camp.

Marriage counseling isn’t just for people who feel like their marriage is in serious trouble. It’s for anyone who wants to know how to have a healthy marriage for life.

Posted in How to save a marriage, How to save my marriage, How to save your marriage, Marriage counseling, Marriage counselor, Marriage counselors, Marriage Problems | Tagged does marriage counseling work, emotional infidelity, how to save a marriage, husband infidelity, marital help, marriage advice, marriage counseling, marriage counseling infidelity, marriage counseling new york | Comments Off

How We Kept Marriage Complications From Ending Our Marriage

Posted on December 19, 2011 by mort

How We Kept Marriage Complications from Ending Our Marriage

My name is Kristin Woodruff and about a year ago I was sure that my marriage was in serious trouble. I was very worried that if we didn’t get help, several marriage complications were going to mean the end of my six-year marriage. We did get help, though, through a local marriage counselor, and I’m really glad that I have the opportunity to share how their guidance helped to save my marriage.

We Were Surprised That We Had Issues

My husband Rich and I got married right after college, against the advice of some family and friends who felt we were too young. We were very much in love and we were a little naïve, since we were positive that being in love and being great friends meant that we wouldn’t have a lot of issues. The first few years were great, but after the birth of our son, Micah, we started having problems agreeing on priorities, goals and responsibilities.

After a while, this really built up some resentment in both of us and we started to argue a lot and we also started having sex a lot less frequently. By last year, we were talking about separation. That was when I knew that we needed some professional guidance if we were going to find some real solutions to these marriage complications that were driving us apart. I very much wanted to save my marriage and I was so relieved when Ron agreed to get help.

We Were Relieved That Our Problems Were Very Common Problems

The first thing that really helped us was just finding out that the issues we were having were all very common problems for young couples who had just had a child. That alone really helped us to feel that what we were going through was normal and that it didn’t mean we were doomed to get a divorce.

Most of the issues we had started with communication when it came to responsibilities and expectations. With the counselor’s help, I realized that I had a history of just expecting Rich to help me in certain areas without actually being asked. This led to me feeling let down and also feeling like Rich didn’t care. The counselor helped me see that Rich needed some guidance from me to know what I needed. Otherwise, he busied himself with things that he thought were important.

For instance, I really needed Rich to take Micah off my hands for an hour or so in the evenings, so that I could take a shower, unwind a little bit or have some grown-up conversation with a friend. Rich would come home and see that the laundry needed folding or the dog needed to go for a walk, and he felt he was helping me by going right to those things. Of course, he was helping, but it wasn’t the help I needed most. Once I understood that he was doing the best he could without better communication from me, I appreciated much more the things that he had been doing. The counselor then helped us to improve the way we communicated with each other.

Everything Started to Fall into Place

This wasn’t the only advice that helped save my marriage. The complications we faced because of poor communication had led to a real distance romantically, and the counselor gave us some realistic solutions for getting our sex life back on track. Once we realized that both of us were still committed to keeping our marriage together, getting our romantic life back in gear became pretty easy. It wasn’t instant, but it did happen.

I can’t recommend counseling enough to anyone who is going through their own marriage complications. I would not have been able to save my marriage on my own, because I was too hurt and scared to see our marriage complications for what they really were. Getting counseling made it possible for us to be where we are now; strong, happy and expecting our second child.

Posted in How to save a marriage, How to save my marriage, How to save your marriage, Marriage Problems, Save my marriage | Tagged books to save your marriage, how to save a marriage, marital help, marital problems, marriage and infidelity, marriage counseling, marriage help, marriage problems | Comments Off

Does Marriage Counseling Really Work?

Posted on December 15, 2011 by mf

Does Marriage Counseling Really Work?

Hi, my name is Joshua. As a guest blogger for the Marriage Counseling Blog, I wanted to lend my opinion on whether or not marriage counseling works. When a couple comes together they have the challenge of blending two personalities into a working relationship. At times there are rough spots that come up that challenge the love that they have for each other. In some cases the challenges force a wedge into the relationship and drive the two people apart. In an effort to help the relationship some couples will reach out and ask for marriage counseling. It is during the marriage counseling process that people ask the question, “Does marriage counseling really work?”

The Answer

The question of does marriage counseling really work is one that demands an answer. Everything that the couple is seeking to happen with their marriage depends on the answer. In order for marriage counseling to really work there has to be effort from at least one person. For instance, if a couple sits before the counselor and listens intently, then they go home and no one of them practices what the counselor has suggested the counseling session may not work. As long as one person is unwilling to change, then there is still hope for reconciliation. There really needs to be effort from at least one person to make counseling beneficial to the marriage.

Communication in Your Marriage

The challenges that married couples face are issues that they can work through together. Marriage counseling is the process of helping two people work through differences that come between them and bringing them to the point that they realize marriage takes work to make it successful. One of the biggest obstacles for two people to overcome is the issue of communication. In every case the blending of two personalities into one harmonious relationship takes effort. The two people must communicate effectively in order to function correctly. When a husband fails time after time to inform his spouse about the state of the finances; there is the potential for an argument about money. The wife may feel left out because she never sees where the money goes and husband may not want to burden her with bad news of a shortage of funds. Good clear communication would have alleviated the problem by allowing each person to share concerns. By knowing how the other feels about certain things can help the couple work through the issue together and solve the problem.

The issue of does marriage counseling really work can also be understood from the point of view of both the couplet and the counselor. The couple comes to the first session with preconceived ideas and a certain skepticism that the methods of the counselor will not work. In order for the couple to see results they must be willing to try each assignment. From the viewpoint of the counselor he must be ready for when the couple arrives. If the counselor is not ready with plans for each session, then each session will end in failure. The couple will begin to get discouraged and may even quite the counseling altogether.

Does Marriage Counseling Work? It’s up to you!

The success of marriage counseling depends greatly on both parties working together for a mutual outcome. The couple has to be fully committed to each assignment and work together in order to grow closer together. The counselor must be prepared to guide the couple to the desired result. The desired result is what both partners want to see in the marriage. Everyone must work together toward that desired result to see 100% success. To answer the question of does marriage counseling really work, one must say that it depends on all parties working together. When they all work together they will find that the answer is yes, marriage counseling really does work.

Posted in Free marriage counseling, Free online marriage counseling, Marriage counseling, Marriage counseling online, Marriage counselor, Marriage counselors, Online marriage counseling, Save my marriage | Tagged can marriage counseling save my marriage?, Does Marriage Counseling Really Work?, does marriage counseling work | Comments Off

My Husband Wants a Divorce but I Don’t

Posted on December 15, 2011 by mf

My Husband Wants a Divorce but I Don’t

Hi, my name is Kimberly. As a guest blogger for the Marriage Counseling Blog, I wanted to share my story. Even though I knew my marriage wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t ready for what was to come. After five years of marriage, my husband wants a divorce but I don’t. It took me completely by surprise. The problems we experience aren’t anything major, and I always felt we could get through anything together. Now it appears that he doesn’t feel the same way I do and just wants to end things. However, I have convinced him to try a few things first.

Marriage Counseling

Marriage counseling allows you to bring in a neutral third party who can help you talk through your problems and help you come up with solutions. After a few sessions, you should be able to see whether you are making progress or if your marriage is still heading down the road to divorce. During our counseling sessions, however, I realized that even if my husband wants a divorce, marriage counseling can help us work together after the divorce, especially in regard to the children. I’ve learned that marriage counseling can be helpful, even if you don’t stay together.

Trial Separation

Another important tool you can use to try to save your marriage, even if your spouse wants a divorce, is a trial separation. Even though my husband wants a divorce but I don’t, I agreed to a trial separation to see what it was like on the other side after divorce. During a trial separation, you both act as if you are divorced, or at least on the road toward it. You are able to live your separate lives and still keep the possibility of getting back together. In some cases, one person may want a divorce because the marriage has become stale. This often happens, but it doesn’t have to mean the end for your marriage. The purpose of the trial separation is to show your spouse what he will be missing. This is usually not successful but we were willing to try anything.

Date Each Other

It may sound strange to date each other when you are separated, but this can serve as a real turning point, especially if your marriage has grown stale. When I found out my husband wants a divorce and I asked him why, he felt that our marriage wasn’t exciting anymore and was too much work. When we separated, I suggested we date each other to try to rekindle what he felt we lost. This can also help when you feel as if you have grown apart over the years. Dating each other can help you get to know each other better again and remind you of why you fell in love in the first place.

Even though I’m not the one who wants a divorce, I have been willing to do whatever it takes to show my husband that he doesn’t have to give up. It can be difficult to convince someone if he has already made up his mind about getting a divorce, but it can be done with some effort. Maybe you won’t be able to convince him to remain married, but at least you will know that you made every effort to save your marriage before giving up.

Posted in Free marriage counseling, Marriage counseling, Stop Divorce | Tagged How to Prevent Divorce, My Husband Wants a Divorce but I Don't, Spouse Wants Divorce, Stop Divorce | Comments Off

Does Marriage Counseling Save Marriages?

Posted on December 15, 2011 by mf

Does Marriage Counseling Save Marriages?

Hi, my name is Krysha. As a guest blogger for the Marriage Counseling Blog, I am often asked, “Does Marriage Counseling Save Marriages?” Marriage counseling is one of those things where some people are strong advocates for it and others are even more strongly opposed. Usually, the stance that someone takes on the subject has to do with past experience or what they’ve seen or heard from friends or family about their experiences with marriage counseling. But does marriage counseling save marriages?

To answer the question of “does marriage counseling save marriages” we need to look at how marriage counseling works, who the participants are, what roles they play, and what the usual outcomes of marriage counseling are.

Who is involved in Marriage Counseling?

The most obvious participants in marriage counseling is the married couple. The third person to be involved in marriage counseling is the marriage counselor. This can be a licensed social worker, a therapist, or even a psychiatrist. But knowing who is involved does not yet answer the question, “Does marriage counseling work?”

When Marriage Counseling Saves Marriages

As with most types of counseling or ‘talk treatment’, it can only work when the participants are willing and able to make it work. In the case of marriage counseling, there are two participants that need to be actively involved, and it can be much harder to get both of them on the same page regarding what needs to change. It’s even harder still to get them on the same page regarding how to change them.

It is best if both participants are willing to admit when they are wrong, willing to say they are sorry when they’ve said or done something wrong, and willing to say thank you when the other person has admitted and apologized for being wrong. Even harder than that is to have both participants willing to listen more than they talk so they can understand the root of the problems and how they got that way than just what is being argued about at the moment, since they can be two different things.

If these things can happen, from both people involved in the relationship, then the marriage counselor can be a source of support and leadership as they work out differences and re-learn how to communicate as a couple. If both participants want marriage counseling to work, then the answer to the question, “does marriage counseling save marriages,” is a resounding yes.

When Marriage Counseling Does Not Work

Unfortunately, there are times when marriage counseling just won’t work. In these instances, it is usually one or both of the participants in the couple that either don’t want to seek change for the marriage, don’t want outside help, or are already set on getting a divorce and don’t want the marriage to work. The reasons for these outlooks can vary significantly and they could be caused by anything from a lack of emotion or love in the relationship anymore or even being ashamed of having a problem with the relationship in the first place.

If both persons in the couple feel the same way, then the marriage is better off dissolved through divorce, but seeking therapy may help the divorce to go more smoothly and end more amicably than if done while both are arguing constantly. However, if one person really wants to save the marriage and the other doesn’t, then it can be hard for the one that does to come to terms with the fact the relationship will end. In this situation, it’s best to seek out individual therapy to help cope with the loss of the relationship and the love that, at one point, was shared.

So does marriage counseling save marriages? It depends on the relationship, the people involved, and how open they are to changing what has gone wrong in their relationship so they can get back to a positive relationship in which both members can grow and flourish. It’s important that both participants of a relationship who are going through marriage counseling to stay on the same page with each other and with their counselor so they can get the most out of their time spent with the trained professional that can help them communicate better both their love and affection, while solving the problems that got in the way of that.

Posted in Free marriage counseling, Free marriage counseling online, How to save my marriage, How to save your marriage, Marriage counseling, Marriage counseling online, Save my marriage | Tagged can marriage counseling save my marriage?, Does Marriage Counseling Save Marriages?, save marriage with marriage counseling, will marriage counseling save your marriage? | Comments Off

How to Save Your Marriage After Cheating

Posted on November 30, 2011 by mf

How to Save Your Marriage After Cheating

I want to share with you a real “case” and reveal insights to help you in YOUR marriage. It’s called the Dear Mort Report because most cases for me begin with…

Dear Mort,

I’m ready to do as you advise and pick my marriage up out of this mess. But there’s one thing that my husband did about 6 months ago and I just don’t know how to put it behind me. How do I get over the past so I can move on with him to a better future?

Thank you for everything you do.

Jane P.

Dallas, TX

The truth is that a similar letter could have come from just about anyone. Is there any spouse who isn’t trying to get past some hurt?

What about you, are you hurting? Has your spouse neglected you? Rejected you?

Are you struggling to get over the pain of an affair? Do you want to know how to save your marriage after cheating?

If you went through the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp, the chances are good that you need to put some hurt behind you.

It’s one of the most common questions I get. “Mort, I want to make my marriage work. But how do I get over the past?” or “How do you save your marriage after cheating?” or “What if my husband was emotionally abusive?”

Here’s the key.

The first step is to realize what you’re REALLY trying to accomplish. What does it REALLY mean to get over the past?

You can’t change what happened. There’s no time machine that can send you back to relive the past. What’s done is done.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that you’re stuck with your pain forever. What I’m saying is that you first have to be clear about what you can and cannot change. You CAN get over your past (as I’ll explain). But you can NOT change events that already occurred.

The good news though is that you don’t have to change the past in order to get over it. What you have to change is the MEANING of the past.

Think for a moment. Was there ever a time in your life when something horrible happened and you thought, “Why is this happening to me?” But then a few years later you looked back and you answered that question. In retrospect, you understood why it happened. At first, it seemed like the world was caving in. Later, it wasn’t so bad.

In fact, very often, we eventually realize that bad times are part of a process that leads to something good!

It’s the events that FOLLOW bad times that determine the ultimate meaning of those times. In other words, it’s your future that determines your past; not the other way around. And since YOU are in charge of your future, then YOU determine the meaning of your past.

Imagine…

Imagine you are standing at a construction site. On the billboard is a picture of the project; a magnificent cathedral. But on site they’re digging a hole in the earth. Someone unfamiliar with construction could think that the crew is destroying the previous structure rather than building a new one. But, in fact, digging down is the first step in the process of building up.

It’s the same in your life. There’s a cathedral being constructed inside you. And when you feel that someone just dug a hole in your heart, then you know that construction is underway. But you are the foreman, and it’s your job to complete the project.

It’s interesting to think about this in the context of an age-old question: Do we have free choice or is everything predetermined? The answer is YES. Everything is predetermined AND we have free choice.

It’s like when you play a card game. You get dealt a hand. And you have no control over the cards you get dealt. It’s predetermined.

But you also get to play that hand. You also have free choice.

Ultimately, it’s the COMBINATION of the hand you’re dealt and the way you play it that determines the outcome. And it’s the outcome that shapes your view of the original hand you were dealt.

I don’t know if you are familiar with the Bible, but it’s interesting to note that in Chapter 1 of Genesis, God says, “Let US make man in our image.” Look at that verse again: “Let US make man in our image.” Who is “us?” Who is God talking to? There wasn’t anyone created yet.

The answer is: God is talking to US. He’s talking to me. He’s talking to YOU. And He’s saying that YOU are partners with Him in the creation of your life.

God deals you a hand. There’s nothing you can do to change that. But you get to play that hand. You get to respond to the events of your life. And it’s your response, your actions in the future, which determine the meaning of the events in your past.

So how do you get over the past? You don’t have to get over the past. The past is over! What’s important is the MEANING the past has for you NOW. And the MEANING of your past is determined by your actions in the future.

The people I know who have the best marriages are people who went through hell in their relationship. They “got over” their past because they used it as a catalyst to IMPROVE their situation. In other words, the painful events inspired them to change themselves and their marriage.

If you make the right moves, you will come to view certain events as birth pains that led to a new AND IMPROVED marriage. THAT’S how you “get over” the past. THAT’S how to save your marriage after cheating.

So Jane (remember the letter above) has it backwards. She wants to get over the past before she commits herself to restoring her marriage. But restoring her marriage is what imbues the past with new meaning. You have to build the cathedral FIRST before the hole in the ground makes sense.

Warmest wishes,

Mort Fertel

Author & Founder of Marriage Fitness

For more information on how to save your marriage after cheating, sign up now for FREE.

Posted in Catch Cheating, Free marriage counseling, Marriage counseling, Marriage Infidelity, Save my marriage | Tagged how to save your marriage after cheating, save marriage after affair, save marriage after cheating, save marriage cheating | Comments Off

How Do I Get My Husband to Love Me Again

Posted on November 30, 2011 by mf

How Do I Get My Husband to Love Me Again

I want to share with you a real “case” and reveal insights to help you in YOUR marriage. It’s called the Dear Mort Report because most cases begin with…

Dear Mort,

My marriage is in trouble. I don’t know who my wife is anymore. I feel as though I’m married to a complete stranger. We got married when we were both very young and now she feels like she missed out on the “fun years” of her life, her 20’s. She’s changed the way she looks, dresses, and acts. She goes out nights, probably to clubs with her friends. She’s even choosing her new life over her responsibilities to the kids. She used to be a great mother. Now I worry that the kids will get stranded at soccer practice. She basically doesn’t care about our marriage. She hasn’t filed for divorce or anything, and I’m not sure there’s an affair, but she’s left emotionally and just doing her own thing. Both my friends and family are telling me to move on because our marriage can’t get better. I am completely devastated and not sure what to do. Please help!

John F.

Houston, TX

Remember when you took the vow “through sickness or health, rich or poor, thick or thin?” Remember when you made that iron clad commitment? You meant it, right? But I bet you never dreamed you’d be tested like John describes above. I bet you never dreamed you’d be thinking “How do I get my husband to love me again” or “How do I get my wife to love me again”.

How Do I Get My Husband to Love Me Again

It’s hard to imagine on our wedding day what those vows will mean in the future. How could you know what they’d refer to? How could you know in what context you’d have to fulfill them?

When we made our vows, we were young, inexperienced, and optimistic. And when we imagined what we could imagine, we felt safe making the vows. Who would ever abandon their spouse because they got sick? How could anyone live with themselves if they did that? How could they ever face their family and friends?

But if you’re John in the letter above, (and all of us are to some extent) it’s easy to question those vows. “This is not what I had in mind. If my wife isn’t going to be committed, why should I be? This is not the same person I made those vows to. She changed.”

And I can’t imagine John would face too much embarrassment walking out of his marriage. In fact, his family and friends are probably encouraging him to do so. And you can bet they’re not thinking of themselves as vow breakers. In other words, they would never say that John was breaking his vows.

But is it breaking vows?

Why is sickness or financial hardship any different than a “midlife crisis?” What’s the difference if your spouse loses their job, their health, or their moral compass?

And after you make a promise to someone, does it really matter whether or not they want you to keep the promise. Are you “off the hook” just because they let you off the hook?

Situations like the one John describes above are extremely difficult and painful for everyone involved. Obviously, the John in these stories is suffering and feeling like a victim. Children become collateral damage. And what about John’s wife? I mean really: how do you think she feels about herself when she allows a moment of introspection? She’s failing as a wife, mother, and as an adult. Although her strong desire for certain pleasures and a propensity to rationalize (rational lie) might lead her to continue the same behavior, she knows she’s failing herself and those closest to her. She’s in pain. She’s hurting too.

No one wins during these times. And it’s not uncommon for people to want to break their vows and give up. Not only is it common, but it’s reasonable and often supported by family and friends.

But I want to suggest that being there for your spouse even when they don’t want you there for them is part of what was intended by those wedding day vows. YOU made the vow. It wasn’t just a commitment you made to your spouse; you made it to you and to your God. You’re on the hook. And in many ways, there’s no difference between a medical crisis and a mid life crisis. In fact, we could say that your spouse needs you the most when they’re the most lost.

Situations like John’s are challenging to endure. But do you really think that John’s wife will be clubbing with the girls for the next 30 years? I doubt it. She’ll get over it. It may take time. It could be months, even years. But it’ll pass. And when it does, John has a good chance of getting his wife back and making his family whole again.

I don’t envy John for the months or years that his wife is that lost soul. And I understand that months in that situation feels like eternity. John will need a lot of support to get through it. He’s going to have to work hard on himself and develop his character. He’ll have to find strength he didn’t know he had and endure abuse that’s hard to imagine. But if you knew it would end, if you knew that one day 30 years from now you’d be sitting in a rocking chair with your spouse holding hands reminiscing about that horrible year, and if that horrible year was just that, one of 50 years of a life together, would you do it? Would it be worth it? Would you wait it out?

If our expectation is that we have a long life with our spouse and that they will ALWAYS be “normal,” predictable, and emotionally healthy, we leave ourselves vulnerable to losing our marriage. It’s a long life. Many things change. People change. They go through phases. We should be there for them, through thick and through thin, through it all.

Most people don’t have this type of long term view. Most people facing John’s situation can’t get outside the pain of the moment. We don’t live in a culture that understands patience and tolerance. In our day everything is measured in seconds and you’re more likely to hear “You deserve better. You shouldn’t put up with this. Move on with your life. Stop trying to figure out how to get your husband to love you again and just move on.

But think about it: What would we be moving on to? Is the next person going to be more predictable? Isn’t there always a chance that a person gets off track for a while? And what if it was you who lost yourself for a while? Looking back on that time, how would you feel if your spouse lost faith in you, abandoned you?

Here’s a challenging question

What if your CHILD lost themselves for a while? Let’s say your 15 year old daughter got into (God forbid) drugs or ended up pregnant. Would you say, “I’m not going to put up with this.”

What if your son ended up in a rehab center? Would you abandon him until he got his act together?

It’s quite possible; by the way, that your son or daughter in these situations might NOT want your help. “Just leave me alone. I need my space. I can get through this without you.”

But you wouldn’t comply, I bet. You’d do everything you could to be there for your kid. You’d never give up on them…NEVER!

Why would we treat our spouse any differently? We should almost never give up on them…almost never! And certainly not as quickly as so many people suggest.

If you’re in one of these situations and people who care about you are not supportive of you enduring your circumstances, they by all means ask them to either be supportive on not to speak to you about the situation. These situations are difficult enough; you cannot afford people close to you bringing you down. They mean well, they care about you, but they don’t know what they’re doing and how much damage their causing to your spirits.

I’d like to share with you a personal story.

On my daughter’s 4th birthday she received a gift to grow your very own butterfly. The card showed a magnificent colored Monarch. All you had to do was send away for it.

As you might imagine, my daughter was ecstatic. The anticipation to the big day when the butterfly arrived was mounting. Would it really be red, orange, blue, and green like the picture? It would have to be. And she would make it fly and it would be hers.

The big day arrived. “My butterfly is here, my butterfly is here” rang through our house. We opened the tiny envelope with care only to find what looked like previously chewed tic–tacs (caterpillar eggs). My daughter insisted it must be a mistake because the picture showed a red, orange, blue, and green butterfly and this was definitely NOT that.

There was no explaining the series of developmental stages butterflies go through: egg, larva, pupa, and adult. She just wanted her butterfly and she wanted it now, refusing to have anything to do with the chewed tic-tacs.

My wife decided to mother those microscopic eggs and in 6 days the eggs hatched. To our surprise out came a large, striped tic-tac shaped caterpillar. My wife was ecstatic but our daughter still showed no interest.

Immediately after hatching, the large, striped tic-tac started growing rather fast. In just 2 weeks we were the proud parents of a 2 inch long striped, large tic-tac looking caterpillar. My wife and I were amazed at the metamorphosis and it wasn’t even over.

Tic-Tac shed his skin 5 times during his next stage. A new, larger skin waits under the one that is shed. Then Tic-Tac made a chrysalis (cocoon) with no visible signs to signal the emergence of Tic-Tac the butterfly. My daughter was completely distraught.

Suddenly the chrysalis cracked open and out came the red, orange, blue, green and WHITE butterfly. Finally, “Our butterfly is here, our butterfly is here” rang through our house.

We all are like a four year old wanting, hoping, and dreaming, but usually a marriage goes through many stages when it looks nothing like what was advertised on the box. But those times are stages. It’s not the final form.

I hope everything that comes out of my mouth, off of my computer, and through my office lifts your spirits and is supportive of you while you fulfill your vows. Please let me know how else I can help you, especially if you are struggling with saving your marriage alone. And if you want FREE advice on how to get your husband to love you again, sign up for the emails below.

Mort Fertel

Author & Founder of Marriage Fitness

Posted in Free marriage counseling, Free marriage counseling online, Marriage counseling, Marriage Help | Tagged how do I get my husband to love me again, how do i get my wife to love me again, how to get husband to love me, how to get wife to love me, husband doesn't love me anymore | Comments Off

Save a Marriage After an Affair

Posted on November 30, 2011 by mf

Save a Marriage After an Affair

I want to share with you a real “case” and reveal insights to help you in YOUR marriage. It’s called the Dear Mort Report because most cases for me begin with…

Dear Mort,

John cheated on me last fall. The affair went on for a few months. The whole thing broke my heart. I don’t know how I can ever trust him again. I really want our marriage to work, and John has ended the affair and says he wants it to work too, but I can’t get over what he did. I’m still suspicious, even though deep down I know his affair is over. John does all he can to assure me that it’ll never happen again, but here we are 3 months later and I still can’t believe a word he says. How do we get through this? How can I ever believe him again?

Please help!

Marcy G.

Los Angeles,CA

Ah, the old TRUST issue.

If a marriage has problems, the chances are good that trust has been broken somehow. And yet, trust is a central component for a successful marriage. So how do you restore broken trust? How can Marcy get through this? How do you save a marriage after an affair?

How to Rebuild Trust and Save a Marriage After an Affair

Trust can be broken between people in so many ways. The most common culprits are an affair, hidden addictions (porn sites are the newest problem), lying, and financial secrecy.

But if you look deep into the heart of a distrusting spouse, it goes beyond the usual trust busters. Trust is weakened in a relationship when a spouse is frequently late, unreliable, or insensitive. Hiding a few empty beer cans can damage trust between a husband and wife. It doesn’t take much to shake trust.

But it sure takes a lot to rebuild it!

We live in a microwave world of fast food, express delivery, and speedy-print. And so we figure, if we lost trust in an instant, there must be a way to rebuild it in an instant too. NOT!

Trust is built one small step at a time. There’s no other way. There’s no Herculean event that can deliver instant-trust. In fact, by definition, trust is about CONSISTENCY. That’s what it means to trust someone…to be able to PREDICT their behavior. Predictability is a function of repetition. Repetition comes with TIME.

So there you have it. CONSISTENT, PREDICTABLE behavior over TIME breads trust. So the first thing for Marcy to realize is that 3 months is nothing when it comes to rebuilding trust.

Think about it…

When you trust someone, it means you can RELY on them. But before you can rely on someone, you must depend on them time and again and NOT be disappointed. If you’re disappointed, even once, the trust is broken.

If you were in the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp, you heard me compare the building of a relationship to the building of a house… both happen one brick at a time. And every brick is significant because it strengthens the foundation of your marriage. The stronger the foundation, the more room you have for error. For example, how damaging is it to ruin one brick when you’re working on the 3^rd floor of a house? It’s no big deal, right? You have a strong foundation, the house is in tact, you clean up the mess, and you build on.

It’s like that in a relationship. If you have a strong foundation, you can make a mistake without ruining everything. It’s no big deal. You can move on.

But trust is DIFFERENT. One mistake kills you. Because trust is about CONSISTENCY.

John may have been faithful to Marcy for years. But all it takes is one affair and all the trust built over the years comes crashing down.

Building trust is NOT analogous to building a house; it’s more like climbing a ladder. You don’t have a foundation to support you. If you slip, you fall all the way to the bottom.

That’s how trust works. It’s unforgiving.

(That doesn’t mean that people are unforgiving. People can forgive instantly. That’s another topic. But even if they forgive instantly, it will take time before they can trust again. Forgiving and trust are related, but they do NOT go hand-in-hand. Forgiveness comes first. Trust lags far behind.)

So if you’re trying to restore trust in your marriage or save your marriage after an affair, and you’re expected home by 6:15PM, don’t walk through the door at 6:19PM. For you,6:19PM might be a matter of 4 minutes and no big deal. But to your spouse it might be about reliability, and you may have just slipped all the way to the bottom. You just broke whatever pattern of consistency you built prior to arriving home late. And now you have to start all over again.

How do you rebuild trust?

You make and keep promises. Make and keep. Make and keep. Make and keep. Over and over again. AND DON’T MISS! Nothing destroys trust faster than making and BREAKING a promise.

To be consistent (to build trust), you need lots of opportunities to come-through. So create them for yourself.

“Honey, I’ll pick up some milk before I come home.” And then do it!

“Honey, I’ll be home at7:15PM.” And then do it!

“I’m going to get you some research on that stock.” And then do it!

“I’ll meet you there at9AM.” And then do it!

“I’ll read it by tomorrow.” And then do it!

“I’ll clean it up before I go to bed.” And then do it!

“I’ll say it differently next time.” And then do it!

“I’ll remember that when your birthday comes around.” And then do it!

“I’ll spend some time with the kids tomorrow.” And then do it!

“I’ll give you a break from your chores next Wednesday when I’m on vacation.” And then do it!

Look for opportunities to make and keep promises. That’s your opportunity to build trust. Like a ladder…climb one rung at a time. It takes time. There’s no short-cut. And you can’t slip. You have to stay focused.

And just to be clear, the little things count big. If trust is about consistency, then it doesn’t matter what you promise. Just promise and come through.

Don’t think that just because trust came crashing down in one dramatic event (an affair or whatever) that you have to reestablish it with one dramatic event too. You can rebuild trust by making and keeping SMALL promises over an extended period of time. This is how John can rebuild the trust he broke. And Marcy can help by asking John to make commitments that he can keep.

That’s how to rebuild trust. That’s not how to save a marriage after an affair.

Here’s how NOT to do it.

First, read another part of Marcy’s letter I omitted from above.

“Mort, the marriage counselor we used to see before we met you suggested “full disclosure.” That means that John has to check-in with me upon my request and I’m allowed to check his emails, cell phone messages, and credit card bills whenever I want. Our counselor said that that would give me peace of mind and she made John agree to give me all his access codes and passwords. What do you think about this approach? Will it help me get to trust?”

This is a terrible idea! And it won’t work. In fact, it’ll be COUNTERproductive.

“Full disclosure” gives you information. But information is unrelated to trust. You could be sitting right next to someone in complete awareness of their whereabouts, but still not trust them. You might not be curious about their whereabouts, but it does not mean you trust them.

Information is more connected to curiosity than trust.

The irony of the advice Marcy received from her counselor is that trust is not about finding comfort through information; it’s about being comfortable when you DON’T have information. That’s what trust is… “I don’t know where you are or what you’re doing, but I know I’m safe.”

Since the absence of information is necessary for trust to blossom, the acquisition of information actually inhibits the process. In other words, the advice from Marcy’s counselor interferes with the goal she’s trying to achieve.

It’s also ridiculous advice from a practical perspective. No matter how hard one tries to know what’s going on in their spouse’s life, there will always be unknowns. Unless you’re going to attach yourself at the hip, you can’t know everything. So from a practical perspective, you’ll never achieve comfort by acquiring information because there’ll always be unknowns that will leave you feeling uncertain.

Acquiring information in an effort to build trust is like trying to make more money in order to be happy. It’s not getting more of it that’s the key; it’s learning to be at peace with LESS.

One final word about how to rebuild trust in your marriage. This is particularly relevant if you’re NOT the one who breached the trust between you. In other words, if you’re Marcy in the story above, listen carefully.

I remember when my son was learning to swim. He would push off from the side of the pool and swim to me. Each time I would back up further to help him develop more strength and confidence.

One day I thought he was doing great, so I moved back from the side of the pool much further than I had ever before. He said, “Daddy, I can’t swim that far. Come closer.”

I responded, “You’ve been swimming beautifully. I think you’re ready to do it. You can do it. Go ahead.”

“You really think so?” he asked.

“I believe with all my heart that you can make it. Go ahead,” I said.

He was a little concerned about the length of the swim, but the more I affirmed my belief in him the more he started to believe in himself. Eventually, he pushed off from the side of the pool and swam all the way to where I was standing.

Sometimes we just need someone to believe in us in order for us to realize the latent potential within us.

We all have the ability to be trustworthy. In the depths of our heart, we want to be a person of integrity. We want to be trusted. But sometimes we have to be given trust first. Sometimes we need for someone to believe in us.

Look into the soul of your spouse. Try to see the seeds of greatness within them.

Give your spouse trust. Even if they don’t deserve it; trust them anyway. Believe in them. Your faith in them will affirm their sense of worth and inspire them to meet your expectations. Believe in your spouse, not in what you see, but in what you don’t see but you know is there.

The great poet Goethe said, “Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is; treat a man as he can and should be and he will become as he can and should be.”

This is another reason why the “full disclosure” approach is disastrous. You end up treating someone like they can’t be trusted, essentially affirming for them that they are untrustworthy. And you’ll get just what you expect.

But if you treat your spouse as a person of the highest moral standards, they will be inspired to realize the greatness that you see in them.

Keep up the good work.

Warm regards,

Mort Fertel

Author of Marriage Fitness

P.S. Sign up now for more FREE advice on how to save your marriage after an affair.

Posted in Free marriage counseling, How to save a marriage, How to save my marriage, How to save your marriage, Marriage Infidelity, Save my marriage | Tagged after an affair, How to Save Your Marriage After and Affair, save marriage affair, save your marriage, Save Your Marriage After and Affair | Comments Off

My Husband is Emotionally Abusive. What Should I do?

Posted on November 22, 2011 by mf

My Husband is Emotionally Abusive. What Should I do?

When it comes to your emotions, there’s a big difference between being in pain and true suffering. What’s the difference? And how does this relate to your question: My husband is emotionally abusive. What should I do?

Let me illustrate with a story.

There once was a man who was sentenced to 25 years of backbreaking labor. His wrists were tied to the handle of a huge wheel that was inlaid in the wall. His job was to turn the wheel 10 hours a day.

For years, day in and day out, the prisoner would wonder what he was doing with this wheel. What was the meaning of his work? What was on the other side of this wall? Was he grinding grain?

Pulling up water? Moving some sort of conveyer belt?

For 25 years he contemplated the meaning of his work, and for 25 years he spun that wheel. It was grueling, but he survived.

When his sentence was complete he was released from prison. The first thing he did was run to the other side of the wall to see what he had been doing all this time.

What did he see?

Nothing!

There was nothing attached to the wheel. For 25 years, 10 hours a day, he was spinning a wheel for absolutely no purpose. When the man realized his true sentence, he collapsed and died.

The prisoner was able to survive 25 years of backbreaking labor, but when he realized that it was all for nothing, he couldn’t survive for another moment.

So what’s the difference between pain and suffering?

Pain has a purpose.

Suffering is true torture because it has no meaning.

Pain is bearable. Suffering for no reason is devastating.

Ask any woman about child labor. How was it? Would you do it again? Most women will answer: It was painful, but I didn’t suffer. I would do it again.

This is the key to surviving marital problems, including an emotionally abusive husband, and making it through to a new love and peace with your husband.

If you think there’s no purpose to your emotional hurt, you’ll just want out. You’ll run from your kids, your responsibility, your vows…you’ll run from it all just to get relief from an unbearable suffering.

But if you can come to understand why you’re in this emotionally abusive situation, then you’ll succeed to make it through like a woman in child labor.

Why is this happening to you? What are you supposed to be learning from all of this? Can you see how your marital problems are really an opportunity for you and your spouse?

I remember when my wife and I were going through what seemed to be unbearable emotional pain as a result of the loss of our 3 children and our marriage problems. But now I see it all differently. Yes, we were in pain, but we didn’t suffer. And although I might script things differently if I were God, my wife and I now feel a sense of peace and happiness that we wouldn’t trade for anything. Yes, we lost a lot, but we gained each other and forged a marriage that has become a wellspring of joy in our life.

Since those painful times, I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to lead thousands of people who are suffering in their marriage to a new peace and happiness with their spouse. I’ve found a way to do it even with the most difficult and unusual situations.

For all of these people, the beginning of that process was the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp. And you can read about hundreds of stories in addition to mine on my web site.

Do you need someone to lead you out of your situation?

Let me help you. You don’t have to suffer through this any longer. There’s always a way out. If your husband is emotionally abusive, here’s what you should do. Sign up for my FREE 7 Secrets to Saving Your Marriage. You’ll learn how to stop the emotional abuse in your marriage. This is a much better alternative to marriage counseling.

Posted in Free marriage counseling, Free marriage counseling online, Marriage Abuse | Tagged emotional abuse husband, emotionally abusive husband, husband abusive emotionally, husband emotionally abusive, My husband is emotionally abusive, stop emotional abuse | Comments Off

How Much Does Marriage Counseling Cost?

Posted on November 16, 2011 by mf

How Much Does Marriage Counseling Cost?

Many people have been asking, how much does marriage counseling cost? Below is some FREE marriage counseling advice. You can enter your name and your email address above for more marriage counseling articles like the one below.

Marriage Counseling and the American Flag

Would you believe there’s a lot you can learn about your marriage from the American flag?

There is. Listen up.

Recently, I took my kids to Fort McHenry. You know, that’s where Frances Scott Key wrote the Star Spangled Banner when he saw the flag still raised after a 26 hour bombing by the British.

What really got my attention was the HONOR the tour guide bestowed upon the flag. Let me describe the scene.

There were hundreds of people touring the fort when the guide announced that it was time to lower the flag. He asked the guests to help.

I don’t know if you’ve been to Fort McHenry, but the flag is ENORMOUS. The guide said it was 40 feet long by 30 feet wide. That’s half the size of a basketball court. So when that flag came down, it took all us (a few hundred guests) to stand around the four sides of the flag and hold it off the ground.

Now you might ask: Why can’t the flag touch the ground? Why interrupt a few hundred people touring Fort McHenry so stitched cloth doesn’t touch a well manicured lawn? Why not just let it down, fold it up, and stuff it away?

No way!

You should have heard the tour guide talk about the flag. You would have thought it was a delicate family heirloom.

Not only did the tour guide beg us to be careful that the flag not touch the ground, but he also pleaded for us to be ambassadors for the Star Spangled Banner. He explained that professional singers bastardize the Star Spangled Banner by forgetting words or inserting sounds between words to bring attention to themselves. He felt this was dishonorable to the flag and to the national anthem and that these performers lacked a certain awe or respect that the flag and the anthem were due.

The tour guide went on for 20 minutes explaining EXACTLY how to care for a flag. He also recited every verse of the Star Spangled Banner and talked about the PROPER way to sing it.

The whole time I had 3 questions:

1. Was I going to hell for eating popcorn during the national anthem at the Yankees game?

2. What would this tour guide do to me if I accidentally dropped the flag?

3. Did the tour guide treat his wife as well as he treated the flag and the anthem?

How to Honor Your Spouse

Do you remember when you and your spouse were so CAREFUL with each other? You treated each other like a guide at Fort McHenry treats the American flag and the national anthem. You measured your words and watched your behavior. And then you got careless. Then you started to take each other for granted. That is probably when you started to ask yourself, “Do I need marriage counseling?” and “How much does marriage counseling cost?” What happened?

One of the keys to restoring a marriage is to re-instill FEAR in each other. I don’t mean fear like you fear a robber. I mean fear like you would fear carrying a million dollar antique vase. You wouldn’t want to drop it. You’d be so careful. You’d do everything you could to protect its condition.

How do you bring that consciousness back to a failed marriage? And even if YOU were willing to learn, how do you motivate YOUR SPOUSE to do it too?

Don’t worry about the cost of marriage counseling for now. Sign up for more FREE marriage counseling articles by entering your name and email address above.

Posted in Free marriage counseling, Free marriage counseling online, Free online marriage counseling, Marriage counseling, Marriage counseling online, Online marriage counseling | Tagged cost of marriage counseling, how much does marriage counseling cost, marriage counseling, marriage counseling cost, marriage counseling costs, mort fertel | Comments Off

What To Do About Growing Apart In Marriage

Posted on November 14, 2011 by Mort Fertel

Growing Apart in Marriage: What to Do About It

It’s extremely common for couples to complain that they feel they are growing apart in marriage. Time spent apart is a very healthy component of a strong marriage; feeling apart is not. It’s important to identify that issue, acknowledge its importance and then take steps to change it, before growing apart in marriage leads to the end of the relationship itself.

Hi, my name is Lauren and I’d like to share the lessons I’ve learned in marriage with you.

If you’ve been feeling that you’re growing apart in marriage, it may be better to take the steps below without saying anything, rather than discussing the problem with your spouse.

Many spouses, particularly husbands, tend to be less than excited about anything that smacks of “working on the marriage”. Unless you’ve already had a discussion about the issue, it may be best to try a few steps to correct it without actually discussing it.

Get Interested In Each Other’s Interests…..Again

You may well remember that in the beginning of your relationship, you tried to get interested or maybe did get interested in your spouse’s hobbies and interests. In the throes of love, it just seemed more exciting.

The fact is, showing some interest in or appreciation for your spouse’s hobbies can make them feel more interesting, too. Ask your spouse to teach you how to play tennis or to take you along on the next fishing trip. Invite your spouse to come with you to your spinning class or on your next hike. You never know; you may find a new common ground. As a bonus, you’ll find a way to spend time together.

Spend Time as A Couple Every Week

One of the most common reasons people feel they are growing apart in marriage is that they spend time together as a family, or as parents, but spend little time together as a couple. Having a date night is a great way to get out of that rut, but it isn’t the only way. Try having a cup of coffee in the evening, where anything kid-related is a forbidden topic. Work out together in the morning or go for a walk together. Enjoy a slow dance in the living room after the kids have gone to bed. For people who have been intimately connected, it doesn’t take much to spark that connection again and remind you that you were a couple before you had kids and will be a couple after the kids are grown and gone.

Laugh Together

As simple a thing as laughter may be, it can bring two people together very effectively. The lack of laughter can also be a very small symptom of growing apart in a marriage. Without shared laughter, you may begin to feel that your mate just isn’t that much fun anymore. Laughter has also been medically proven to relieve stress and any couple could use some time relieving stress together. Share some jokes, send each other funny emails and pictures or rent a comedy to watch together on a weekend evening. Better yet, engage your mate in a surprise tickle fight, pillow fight or water balloon war. It may sound silly, but it could be just what you need.

Feeling that you’re growing apart in marriage is a fairly common thing. Lasting love isn’t the same thing as falling in love. Lasting love ebbs and flows and the heart-pounding sensations of falling in love are only the precursor to a calmer, yet more deeply satisfying sense of belonging and partnership.

So, if you want ideas and feel that you’re ready to reach outside of your comfort zone, I urge you to try Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel.

It’s easy to get started—just fill out the box at the top of the page—you’ll receive the first lesson for free. I’m not afraid to admit my relationship needed it, but I know that we couldn’t have gotten out of our rut in any other way.

Posted in Free marriage counseling, Free marriage counseling online, How to save a marriage, How to save my marriage, How to save your marriage, Marriage counselor, Marriage counselors, Marriage Infidelity, Marriage Problems, Marriage therapy | Tagged cheating affairs, emotional infidelity, how to save a marriage, husband infidelity, infidelity marriage, marital help, marriage advice, marriage and infidelity, marriage counseling, marriage counseling infidelity, marriage counselor, marriage help, marriage max, marriage problems, my marriage needs help | Comments Off

Evaluate Your Marriage

Posted on November 14, 2011 by Mort Fertel

Evaluate Your Marriage: The Five Minute Marriage Check-Up

In this article, you’ll find a quick way to evaluate your marriage. Using this simple system, you can spot these little areas that need attention before they become an issue.

My name is Joan and I struggled with marriage difficulties for a number of years. It wasn’t until I became proactive and exercised my relationship began to blossom.

A happy and healthy marriage is one of the most difficult and rewarding goals we can make. Yet, we often see marriages that flounder simply because small signs of trouble or vulnerability were overlooked until they’d blossomed into serious trouble.

So, keep reading my post to find the Five Minute Marriage Check Up which can help you not only build a stronger marriage, but have more fun, too.

Did you flirt with your mate this week?

Flirting shouldn’t be something you reserve for date night or your first few months of marriage. This question helps you evaluate your marriage’s romance and vitality. Feeling attractive and desirable is an important part of maintaining a healthy marriage and we need to be able to satisfy that need from our spouse, not from other people in our lives, which can lead to serious trouble. If you haven’t flirted with your mate this recently, they’re due for a wink, a little innuendo or a sexy note.

Does your mate feel respected this week?

All of us need to feel that we are not only loved by our spouses, but respected as well. Your mate will benefit greatly by hearing you praise them to friends, your children or your coworkers and they’ll appreciate hearing it directly, too. Telling your husband that he really earned that new promotion or that you love how well he fixes things can go a long way to helping him feel valued. Neglecting that need could leave him looking for love elsewhere.

Did you laugh with your mate this week?

Laughter is not only good medicine; it’s a vitamin boost for any marriage. The power of a good laugh should never be overlooked in a marriage. This question evaluates your marriage’s friendship and comfort level. Good friends laugh together–so do good marriage partners! Share a joke, watch a funny movie or have a good, old fashioned food fight. It’ll do you a world of good.

Have you spent time alone together this week?

Brushing your teeth at the same time doesn’t count. Our schedules have never been busier and we all live demanding lives that ask us to divide our time between work, family responsibilities and other obligations. A lot of attention is given to making sure we have “me” time, but “we” time is just as important. This question can help you evaluate your marriage for the strength of your relationship as a couple, as opposed to co-parents. You don’t have to try to carve out a date night every week, but you do need to spend a few minutes a day, a few hours a month alone, even if it’s just for a quick coffee date, some iced tea on the patio or a browse through your favorite bookstore.

Do you owe your spouse an apology this week?

Unresolved conflict or an unspoken apology, even over tiny issues, can lead to a hidden but growing resentment. Some things are better left unsaid, but “I’m sorry” isn’t one of them. If you never apologized for getting snippy about the electric bill, forgetting about dinner with the in-laws or laughing at your mate’s latest idea, do so now. Saying “I’m sorry” is an investment that pays an unexpectedly high dividend.

Some of these questions and points may seem small, but marriage is made up of a lot more small things than it is big ones and paying attention to them will lead to a strong, healthy and happy marriage.

If you want more ideas about what you can do to understand more about your marriage, then I urge you to give Mort Fertel’s Marriage Fitness a try.

It’s easy to get started (all you have to do is fill out the box at the top of the page) and you’re on your way. You can do it alone or with your partner. Give your relationship a chance and find out what direction your marriage is headed.

Posted in Free marriage counseling, Free marriage counseling online, Free online marriage counseling, How to save a marriage, How to save my marriage, How to save your marriage, Marriage counseling, Marriage counseling online, Marriage counselor, Marriage counselors | Tagged how to save a marriage, infidelity in marriage, marital help, marriage advice, marriage and infidelity, marriage counseling, marriage counseling infidelity, marriage counselor, marriage help, marriage infidelity, marriage max, marriage problems | Comments Off

The Five Most Common Mistakes In Marriage

Posted on November 14, 2011 by Mort Fertel

The Five Most Common Mistakes in Marriage: Learn Them Before You Make Them

All relationships need attention and nurturing to survive and thrive over many years. Your best tool is an awareness of some of the most common mistakes in marriage and the steps you can take to avoid making them. You won’t mistake-proof your marriage, but you will have a smoother transition to married life and a better chance of avoiding serious trouble.

Many couples begin their marriages with high expectations, a great deal of excitement and an awful lot of enthusiasm, and then are disillusioned by problems that they didn’t expect. Falling in love is a heady experience; it’s exciting and fun and overwhelming and can cloud your vision a bit when it comes to the realities of building and maintaining a lifelong relationship.

My name is Jenna I’m glad I can share what I’ve learned during my relationship with this blog post. So, keep reading for the 5 most common mistakes in marriage.

#1 Most Common Mistake in Marriage: Expecting Your Mate to Meet All of Your Needs

Before you fell in love with your mate, you most likely didn’t expect all of your needs to be met by a single person. You had different friends and family members that you turned to for fun, sound advice, quiet companionship or cheerleading.

It’s only when we fall in love that we expect one person to be all things to us. This can lead to quick disappointment and conflict. It’s important that you remember that your mate should be your best friend, but not your only friend and that others may still be better mentors, workout partners or antiquing buddies.

#2 Most Common Mistake in Marriage: Sabotaging Trust

Trust is the foundation of a solid, lasting marriage. Love may have brought you together, but without trust it will quickly wither and die. Be very careful of undermining your mate’s trust even in the smallest ways. Hiding store receipts, telling small lies and casual flirting may not seem like major issues, but a tiny crack in the foundation of trust can quickly become a huge fissure. Be open and honest about small things and your mate won’t doubt you when it comes to the biggies.

#3 Most Common Mistake in Marriage: Breaching the Privacy of Your Marriage

In the beginning of your marriage, you’ll likely become very predictable to your friends, family and coworkers, who’ll become used to you gushing with praise over your mate’s thoughtfulness, charm and other wonderful attributes. This is all well and good, but be wary of sharing things that may be too private for your mate’s comfort.

Your sex life, arguments or even your wife’s horrible cooking are no one’s business but yours and your spouse may well feel exposed and betrayed by finding out that your friends know all about it.

#4 Most Common Mistake in Marriage: Throwing Around the Word, “Divorce”

In the beginning of your marriage, even little disappointments and slights can turn into heated arguments as your illusions about “perfection” get dented and bruised. One very common and very damaging mistake is to throw out the idea of divorce when disagreements arise. This often happens when emotions are running high, especially if you haven’t yet gotten good at resolving conflict together. However, once you present divorce as an option, even without really meaning it, it will forever linger as a viable alternative to working things out.

#5 Most Common Mistake In Marriage: Insisting on Being Right

You don’t have to be in a disagreement to make this common mistake. Some of us tend to do this even in a lighthearted discussion about such frivolous topics as the best Chinese food in town or the right way to fold a sweater. Constantly insisting that you’re right, that your opinion is the correct one or that your way is the best way is a quick way to make your spouse feel undervalued and underestimated. If you find yourself in this situation, whether it’s a heated argument or a friendly debate, ask yourself this question, “Would I rather be right or happy?”

Marriage isn’t all work, but it isn’t all play, either. As in everything, balance is key. Knowing what can upset that balance can keep things running more smoothly.

If you want more help keeping your marriage healthy then I urge you to try Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel. The program helped me realize these mistakes and I know it can do so much for you.

Don’t worry if you’re not sure if it’s right for your relationship—it’s free to get started and can even be done by yourself. All you need to do is fill out the form at the top of the page and you’ll get a free e-course sent straight to you.

I know that I owe my relationship to Marriage Fitness and that’s why I’m confident it’ll work for you too.

Posted in Free marriage counseling online, How to save a marriage, How to save my marriage, How to save your marriage, Marriage Abuse, Marriage counseling, Marriage counseling online, Marriage Help, Marriage Infidelity, Marriage Problems, Online marriage counseling | Tagged emotional infidelity, forgiving infidelity in marriage, how to save a marriage, husband infidelity, infidelity in marriage, marital help, marital problems, marriage advice, marriage counselor, marriage help, marriage max, marriage problems | Comments Off

How To Avoid Drifting Apart In Marriage

Posted on November 14, 2011 by Mort Fertel

Drifting Apart In Marriage: How to Avoid This Common Pitfall

When most couples talk about drifting apart in marriage, they usually mean one of two things:

They don’t seem to have much in common anymore, or
They aren’t spending as much time together as a romantic couple.

My name’s Helen and I’m glad to have been offered the chance to share my thoughts with you. I feel that I’ve gone through a lot during my years of marriage, but I also feel like I’ve learned plenty that I can share with you.

One of the most common complaints heard during any sort of marriage counseling is, “We just seem to have drifted apart.” Like all relationships, marriages are dynamic; they are constantly changing. It’s normal and healthy for the romance level to ebb and flow as you raise children, build your careers and juggle all of the demands of a busy family life. However, while romance may come and go from one week to the next, there should always be a sense of unity and closeness.

If you want to avoid the reality of drifting apart in marriage, keep reading to learn some ways to avoid these two common pitfalls.

Finding, Redefining and Rediscovering Your Common Ground

Many couples say they feel they’re drifting apart in marriage because they just don’t seem to have that much in common anymore. While it’s true that as you grow and change, you may develop interests both of you don’t share.

The fact is that you never did share all of your interests, goals and dreams. The difference is that, in the throes of falling in love, those differences seemed more interesting and exciting than distancing. When couples talk about “having things in common”, they often mean sharing interests and hobbies.

If you feel that the two of you lack enough common interests, then you may need to make an effort to:

investigate each other’s interests and hobbies and/or
discover some new things together.

Invite your spouse to come along on one of your nature hikes or to your favorite museum. Ask your spouse to give you some tennis lessons or if you can join him on one some of his mountain-biking weekends.

Sit down together and talk about some things that each of you have always wanted to try or pursue and check some of them out together. This could be a dance class, camping, jazz music or anything else that interests one or both of you. Part of the thrill of getting to know your mate was discovering and trying new things. Doing it again and again throughout your marriage will add interest and excitement to your relationship.

Chances are that some of these ventures will be one-time deals, but you may find yourselves enjoying some things together that you didn’t think you would. Most importantly, you’ll be spending time together and affirming your continued interest in each other as people.

It Really is All About You

When many couples say they’re drifting apart in marriage, they mean that they seem to have lost touch with their “couplehood”. While it’s important to remember that romance and passion ebb and flow in the strongest of marriages, you should be taking steps to focus on each other as romantic partners, even (and especially) in the midst of raising children and building careers.

Many couples make the mistake of thinking that keeping romance alive means doing romantic things. An evening out, a walk on the beach or a weekend getaway are all wonderful things, but they’re not a practical expectation on a weekly basis. The good news is that romantic activity isn’t the only thing that builds romance. Remember when you first became romantically interested in your mate. How much of it was about romantic things you were doing and how much of it was about little moments together, sharing a laugh, teasing each other, snagging a few quiet minutes alone?

Those moments are what brought you together as a couple and they’re what will keep you together as a couple. In fact, romantic getaways are great, but you need these small, daily moments in order to want a romantic getaway together. Make a point of spending even fifteen minutes out of your day laughing with, playing with and really talking to your mate. Those little moments are still the stuff marriages are made of and are powerful enough to keep you from drifting apart in marriage.

If you find yourself struggling to think of activities for you and your partner, then I urge you to give Marriage Fitness a try. It exercises your relationship and gives you a great opportunity to reconnect with your partner.

If you find yourself uncertain if it’s for you, don’t worry! It’s free to try—all you have to do is fill out the form at the top of the page and you’ll receive “7 Secrets to Fixing Your Marriage” sent straight to you.