How to Save Your Marriage After Cheating

I want to share with you a real “case” and reveal insights to help you in YOUR marriage. It’s called the Dear Mort Report because most cases for me begin with…

Dear Mort,

I’m ready to do as you advise and pick my marriage up out of this mess. But there’s one thing that my husband did about 6 months ago and I just don’t know how to put it behind me. How do I get over the past so I can move on with him to a better future?

Thank you for everything you do.

Jane P.

Dallas, TX

The truth is that a similar letter could have come from just about anyone. Is there any spouse who isn’t trying to get past some hurt?

What about you, are you hurting? Has your spouse neglected you? Rejected you?

Are you struggling to get over the pain of an affair? Do you want to know how to save your marriage after cheating?

If you went through the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp, the chances are good that you need to put some hurt behind you.

It’s one of the most common questions I get. “Mort, I want to make my marriage work. But how do I get over the past?” or “How do you save your marriage after cheating?” or “What if my husband was emotionally abusive?”

Here’s the key.

The first step is to realize what you’re REALLY trying to accomplish. What does it REALLY mean to get over the past?

You can’t change what happened. There’s no time machine that can send you back to relive the past. What’s done is done.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that you’re stuck with your pain forever. What I’m saying is that you first have to be clear about what you can and cannot change. You CAN get over your past (as I’ll explain). But you can NOT change events that already occurred.

The good news though is that you don’t have to change the past in order to get over it. What you have to change is the MEANING of the past.

Think for a moment. Was there ever a time in your life when something horrible happened and you thought, “Why is this happening to me?” But then a few years later you looked back and you answered that question. In retrospect, you understood why it happened. At first, it seemed like the world was caving in. Later, it wasn’t so bad.

In fact, very often, we eventually realize that bad times are part of a process that leads to something good!

It’s the events that FOLLOW bad times that determine the ultimate meaning of those times. In other words, it’s your future that determines your past; not the other way around. And since YOU are in charge of your future, then YOU determine the meaning of your past.

Imagine…

Imagine you are standing at a construction site. On the billboard is a picture of the project; a magnificent cathedral. But on site they’re digging a hole in the earth. Someone unfamiliar with construction could think that the crew is destroying the previous structure rather than building a new one. But, in fact, digging down is the first step in the process of building up.

It’s the same in your life. There’s a cathedral being constructed inside you. And when you feel that someone just dug a hole in your heart, then you know that construction is underway. But you are the foreman, and it’s your job to complete the project.

It’s interesting to think about this in the context of an age-old question: Do we have free choice or is everything predetermined? The answer is YES. Everything is predetermined AND we have free choice.

It’s like when you play a card game. You get dealt a hand. And you have no control over the cards you get dealt. It’s predetermined.

But you also get to play that hand. You also have free choice.

Ultimately, it’s the COMBINATION of the hand you’re dealt and the way you play it that determines the outcome. And it’s the outcome that shapes your view of the original hand you were dealt.

I don’t know if you are familiar with the Bible, but it’s interesting to note that in Chapter 1 of Genesis, God says, “Let US make man in our image.” Look at that verse again: “Let US make man in our image.” Who is “us?” Who is God talking to? There wasn’t anyone created yet.

The answer is: God is talking to US. He’s talking to me. He’s talking to YOU. And He’s saying that YOU are partners with Him in the creation of your life.

God deals you a hand. There’s nothing you can do to change that. But you get to play that hand. You get to respond to the events of your life. And it’s your response, your actions in the future, which determine the meaning of the events in your past.

So how do you get over the past? You don’t have to get over the past. The past is over! What’s important is the MEANING the past has for you NOW. And the MEANING of your past is determined by your actions in the future.

The people I know who have the best marriages are people who went through hell in their relationship. They “got over” their past because they used it as a catalyst to IMPROVE their situation. In other words, the painful events inspired them to change themselves and their marriage.

If you make the right moves, you will come to view certain events as birth pains that led to a new AND IMPROVED marriage. THAT’S how you “get over” the past. THAT’S how to save your marriage after cheating.

So Jane (remember the letter above) has it backwards. She wants to get over the past before she commits herself to restoring her marriage. But restoring her marriage is what imbues the past with new meaning. You have to build the cathedral FIRST before the hole in the ground makes sense.

Warmest wishes,

Mort Fertel

Author & Founder of Marriage Fitness

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