My Husband is Passive Aggressive
The phrase passive aggressive is used to define a type of behavior where a person refuses to interact or avoids following through with expectations in interpersonal relationships. Can you relate? Can you say that “my husband is passive aggressive”? If yes, keep reading what happened with one of our clients.
The Passive Aggressive Behavior
My husband and I separated at the end of October 2010. There wasn’t any drugs, alcohol or infidelity in our marriage. We just became like roommates. We had felt distant from each other for quite some time. He became extremely shut down in June of last year. I got scared and the more we talked and I pushed for counseling the more he shut down and pushed away. I was scared that this was the end. He just didn’t even seem to care. So I made my mind up to try everything possible to “get him back” so to speak and nothing seemed to work. I reached out and got nothing back from him. He said he knew I was trying but he wasn’t and he didn’t know why. He said he didn’t think he loved me the way he should. Finally in October, I just didn’t know what else to do. Felt as though I had done all I could do without him wanting to go to counseling. So after one of our many uncomfortable talks, I asked him if he wanted to leave. He didn’t say no and he didn’t say yes. But I could tell he wanted out. So I asked him to leave. He came home that night from work, we told the kids, and he left and said he was done.
Try and Try Again
I assumed we would try to work things out after he left and he repeatedly said he was done. It wasn’t until about a month later that I was online looking up info on separation, divorce etc. as I had done many times but this time came across Mort Fertel. At first I was hesitant to order the Cd’s. Money has been extremely tight and we were going into Christmas and just didn’t think I should spend the money. I thought about it for a day or two and decided my marriage was worth ordering the CD’s and they could be returned if I didn’t feel they fit our situation. Well, I couldn’t wait to get the CD’s. When I received the materials and cd’s through email, I literally sat and read/listened the whole thing. I knew that this was great info and it all made sense. I just didn’t know how to get my husband to listen to them. He was still very shut down and distant. We did things together because of the kids and we were always respectable to each other. I listened to these CD’s as well as went to counseling for myself. I believe the combination of both helped me become stronger and work on myself. I ordered the lone ranger package and worked through it on my own. I still wasn’t seeing hope from my husband but felt as though I needed to everything possible for my marriage and if it was truly over, I could say I did everything I could to work things out. I had to be able to walk away from my marriage if it came to that with a sense that I tried. After going through the holidays my husband seemed to have a hard time with the holidays. He was breaking down a lot which is extremely rare. It wasn’t until my daughter and him talked and he broke down. She asked him if he would go to the counselor that I have been seeing and he said he would, he promised. He made the appt. and went. He still didn’t open up to me about the appt. except to say the counselor was a nice guy, easy to talk to, and that it wasn’t so bad. I also at this point talked to him about these CD’s and asked him if he would at least listen to the first one. I knew if he listened to the first one he would listen to them all. When he came to the house after his appt. with the counselor he took the CD’s with him when he left. I still felt like I didn’t have anything left to do at this point.
The Long, Painful Road
My hope was gone. I made the decision to make an appt. with an attorney to see what my options were. It was very upsetting because I didn’t want the marriage to get to this point but didn’t know what else to do. I called on Monday and had an appt for Thursday of that week. I was crying when I got off the phone and then my counselor called me to tell me about the appt. with my husband. He said he was sorry that he didn’t have good news. He said my husband wanted the marriage over. I was a mess. But I felt as though I saw it coming and was glad at that point that I had made the appt. with the attorney. I text my husband and told him I had talked to the counselor and he basically said he was done and that I needed to move on. I asked him to not come by the house that night to see the kids because I emotionally couldn’t handle it at that point. I told him I could see he was done and it was time for me to move on and take the next step. He text back and said he dumped his anger and resentments at the counselors office. Then he said he had listened to the first CD. I was furious. I thought why are you even bothering to listen to the CD’s if he was done. I text back and said let me clarify what the counselor said. I listed everything he said….my husband didn’t want marriage counseling. He didn’t want to work things out. etc. After I listed everything the doctor said, I said, I have reached out to you and have gotten nothing in return. I said I can see you are done. I will let you go. He never responded. I took it as I was right. He was done.
A Light at the End of the Tunnel
It was until the next day around noon, he text me and asked if we could talk. I text back very bitter and said there isn’t anything to talk about. He is done. He text back and said he really wanted to sit down and talk to me. He also said he had been listening to these CD’s and they made sense. He said we were only doing, maybe, 15% of what Mort was saying to do. He said it was all doable things. He said it was worth giving it a try to work on our marriage. That was last week. I canceled my appt. with the attorney and my husband and I sat down and talked on Saturday. We are going to work through this program and seek counseling one on one and together. I am further along in the healing process then he is because I have been doing this program and seeking counseling but he has seen the changes in me and says he likes what he sees. He is still very guarded and has walls up so to speak but I think we will be able to work through our differences. Thank you Mort for making this program. Every person entering marriage should be given this CD’s. I think we all go into marriage thinking our marriage is different and we will never get to “this” point. We were on cruise control in our marriage. His biggest complaint was I didn’t put him first. The kids, house, family friends, house all came before him. I see now that you have to work at your marriage and nurture you marriage and spouse regardless of your kids. I see that without our relationship we wouldn’t have kids or be where we are with our house, jobs, life in general. You have to put your spouse first and “work” on your marriage. I have told all of my married friends about this program and I will encourage anyone I know who is getting married to seek this program so they have the tools and maybe won’t get to this point in their marriage. Thank you Mort Fertel for a wonderful program!!!
As you can see, it may be long and difficult process to get over passive aggressive behavior. If your husband is passive aggressive and you would like more information on how to work on this issue, sign up for our free marriage advice.