Can Separation Help a Marriage?
Here's The Truth "They" Don't Want You To Know
In this article, I'm going to talk about whether
separation can actually enhance and/or save a marriage.
If you've ever asked "Certified" marriage
separation help a marriage?"
They probably responded with an
And your friends/family likely offer similar advice.
"Absense makes the heart grow fonder!"
OR "Some time apart can do you two good" OR "Why
don't you guys take a break?"
It may FEEL intuitively like you're getting good advice.
Like separation CAN help if you're unhappy in a marriage.
In my experience
of working with thousands of married couples, I can tell you
that what "They" tell you about marriage separation isn't quite
What "They" Say: It Gives You Time To Think
When you're in the middle of an emotionally-charged
situation, it can be tough to separate what's
objectively going on from your subjective feelings about it.
In order to get a clear-eyed view of the relationship,
you may want to get a little distance, and try to see
the forest, rather than just the trees.
Being apart from each other seems like it could be a
to marriage problems.
Not being in each other's space 24 hours a day gives you
the space you may need to put your issues in the proper context, and decide
if things are really worth fighting over.
What I Know: Distance Creates Distance
You have to get away sometimes. But a
separation is NOT the answer.
If you separate, by definition, you're
creating significant distance. And THIS, my friends, is NOT productive.
Can separation help a marriage
-- not in this case.
The distance created by separation only
creates more distance, more separation. And if you're looking to save
your marriage, this is NOT the best idea.
Don't let "Them" (i.e. well-intentioned
friends and $250/hour marriage therapist steer you wrong.
What "They" Say: Marriage Separations Shake Things Up
Sometimes all you really need to do is shake things up!
Regarding can separation help a marriage -- a change
in routine can be just what both partners in the relationship need
in order to realize what is really important to them.
And if your marriage is suffering from the classic "stuck
in a rut" syndrome, a marriage
counselor may well advise separation as a possible cure.
What I Know: It Sure Does "Shake" Things Up
Your friends and marriage
absolutely right: separation DOES shake things up.
But do you want to shake things up?
In many unhappy marriages, the parties
involved consider infidelity or cheating.
A lot of times, they're not actually acting on it, but rather, it's
just sort of an "Emotional Infidelity" as I sometimes
You know what I'm talking about.
The fact is though, that this "shaking things
up" idea -- literally BREATHES LIFE into the cheating
-- making it MUCH more likely to actually happen.
Can separation help a marriage
by shaking things up?
It dramatically increases the chances that
you'll NEVER get back together!
Think about it. Separation dramatically
reduces the chances of you fixing
What "They" Say: Temporary Separations Helps Ease the
If in fact you do end up getting divorced, a period of
separation can help to ease the transition from your old
lives to your new ones.
Instead of dealing with everything at once, you will
already have worked out the day-to-day details of living
separately by the time you have to deal with the
If you have children, you'll have time to work out all
the details of visitation, support and custody without unnecessary
What I Know: That's True...If You're Giving Up
The only reason I would ever site this idea
for can separation help a marriage is if you're
DEFINITELY planning a divorce.
But I'm in the business of SAVING
marriages, not "easing them into divorce".
Those are quitting words.
If you're quitting, you're quitting -- and in
that case, sure, separate for a little while first.
But if you're looking to revitalize your
marriage, you need a separation like you need a hole in your head.
Why not try slowing things down, change
momentum of your marriage so both of you can work together
and think about it?
Can Separation Help A Marriage?
Here's The Bottom Line
To date, I have NEVER recommended a separation.
Distance breeds distance. Closeness breeds closeness.
If you want to have the best chances of fixing a
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Check out other
articles I've written about marriage problem solving
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Separation Help A Marriage?
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