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How to get your Spouse to
Change
by Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness
SECRET 4: BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE
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In your quest to fix your marriage, you may
encounter resistance...from your spouse!
Your spouse may dwell on the 101 reasons why
"this just won't work for us" and blame you for
every one.
Or, your spouse may be emotionally "checked-out"
of the marriage and not care about your efforts
to improve the situation or be willing to extend
any effort of their own.
This is, by far, the most common question people
ask me: "How do I get my spouse to change?"
Why would your spouse resist POSITIVE change in
your marriage and what should you do about it?
There's a deep-seeded belief in our culture that
people resist change, no matter what. But is this
true? Do people really want things to remain
status quo? Do we really not want things to
change? If you look closely at human nature, it's
not change itself we resist; it's change that's
IMPOSED UPON US.
Think about it. We have no problem with change
that WE INITIATE. But when we feel forced or
manipulated to change, then we resist WITH ALL
OUR MIGHT.
Your spouse may not be willing to change for the
sake of your marriage right now, but that's not
because your spouse doesn't want a great
marriage. Everyone wants a great marriage. It's
because if they're going to change, they want the
change to be THEIR IDEA!!!!!!
I promise you; your spouse will
decide to change when they're ready to change and
not one second before. And the more you push
them, urge them, nudge them, ask them, scream at
them, or beg them, the LESS LIKELY they are to
change. I know it's hard to wait, but you have to
let it come from them.
It's possible someone could INSPIRE your spouse
to change, but the person LEAST LIKELY to be the
inspiration is YOU. It's sad but true. A complete
stranger is more likely to get through to your
spouse than you are. A chance experience or
encounter is more likely to shake up your spouse
than anything YOU could do.
Mary Ellen (name changed) scheduled a series of
private sessions with me. She knew she had to
make changes and came to our sessions with a
genuine interest to improve her marriage. She
wanted Tom (her husband) to be part of the
process, but he wasn't willing to join her. She
had been asking him to go with her to get help
for over a year. But Tom consistently refused.
I met with Mary Ellen twice and convinced her to
back-off Tom and just let him be for a while. I
counseled her to make some changes that created a
more positive energy in their relationship. When
the time was right, I suggested that Mary Ellen
ask Tom is he would be willing to speak with ME
for 10 minutes. Mary Ellen's timing was good. Tom
agreed.
Within 7 minutes of my conversation with Tom he
agreed to join Mary Ellen in the private sessions
for couples work.
Why was I able to get Tom to agree to something
in 7 minutes that Mary Ellen couldn't get him to
do in over a year? It's true I know how to handle
these situations, but there were 2 other
important factors:
1. For the first time in over a year, Mary Ellen
backed-off far enough so that Tom had the space
to make his own choice.
2. The inspiration came from someone other than
his wife.
Your effort to change your spouse is probably
COUNTERproductive. The chances are good that
you're "in the way." You need to get out of the
way and create the space for your spouse to
CHOOSE to change. That's the only way it'll ever
happen.
I can't tell you how many times a spouse will say
to me that their husband/wife changed for a few
days, but then returned to their old ways. That's
because they never really decided to change. They
were pressured. They were manipulated. And so it
didn't stick.
If you tell your spouse what to do; it's a
challenge. If THEY decide to do it; it's a great
idea. YOU HAVE TO LET IT COME FROM THEM. That's
the only way it'll make a difference long term in
your marriage.
Now you're probably thinking, "Makes sense, but
isn't there anything I can do to encourage my
spouse's choice?" YES, there
is! YOU CAN BE AN INSPIRING EXAMPLE and let your
spouse see how the choices YOU'RE making impact
how YOU feel about yourself and your marriage.
Resist the urge to believe that your marriage
won't change until your spouse "gets with the
program." The love YOU feel is much more a result
of what YOU DO for your marriage than what your
spouse does for it.
We tend to think that the love in our marriage is
in our spouse's hands. But it's not. Love is a
verb. And if we do it - if we love - then we feel
love. THE CHOICE IS OURS.
Consider the love you feel for your children. Is
it because of everything they do for you? Is it
because they're such angels? Of course not. The
love you feel for your children is a result of
what YOU DO FOR THEM. The love you feel in your
marriage is a result of what YOU DO too.
Furthermore, there's no better way to inspire
your spouse to make the choice to change than to
make that choice yourself.
It happens quite often that one spouse will
register for the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp
in the Lone Ranger Track and then half way
through the program they will switch to the Duo
Track, which is designed for couples
participating TOGETHER. What caused their spouse
to change their mind? Simple. 2 things. First,
they learned to create a space in their
relationship for their spouse to make a choice to
change. Second, they showed their spouse, through
their EXAMPLE, how to make that choice and the
impact it could have on their marriage.
Very often one spouse will schedule private
sessions with me and ask if it makes sense for
them to be coached alone. The answer
is ABSOLUTELY yes! One spouse
can make more than a 50% difference in a
marriage. And that difference is exactly what
will get the other spouse to open up to getting
advice too. As the saying goes: "You can lead me
a mile, but you can't push me an inch."
So, bottom line - as Mahatma Gandhi said, "You must
be the change you wish to see." It's YOU changing
that has the greatest impact on YOUR EXPERIENCE
of your marriage AND it's YOU changing that is
the single most important thing you can do to
motivate your spouse to change.
If you're ready to learn what changes you need to
make in your marriage and if you want to learn
how to inspire your spouse to begin to make
changes too, then register for the next Marriage
Fitness Tele-Boot Camp. It's a 7-week
relationship-transforming program and the next
one begins July 11. All
you need is a telephone and the desire to improve
your situation. Oh, and you can do it with or
without your spouse (Duo Track or Lone Ranger
Track). For more information, go to
http://www.MortFertel.com/tele-boot-camp.asp
If you can't wait until the next boot camp begins
or if you don't have 7 weeks to turn things
around, then order...
MARRIAGE FITNESS HOME-FLEX
A 9-Phase interactive multi-sensory
relationship-changing self-guided system that
gives you everything you need to transform your
marriage. And the best news is . . . you get it
all tomorrow! For more information or to order,
go to:
http://www.MortFertel.com/home-flex.asp
If you need help with your marriage, at the very
least get yourself the MARRIAGE FITNESS AUDIO
LEARNING PROGRAM. It's a 5 CD starter program
that you'll find to be an invaluable guide to
renewing your marriage. For more info or to
order, go to:
http://www.MortFertel.com/audio-program.asp
Warm
regards,
Mort Fertel, Author & Founder of
Marriage Fitness
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SECURE
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