I had a series of
private phone sessions with a person who was very frustrated. Listen to
this person described their situation. I bet you’ll be able
to relate to it.
person said they felt
trapped in their basement trying to communicate with
their spouse via Morse Code. They
said they were banging on the pipes trying desperately to be heard.
bang on the pipes and wait for a response. Bang and wait...bang and
and wait. But each time they finished banging, there was silence. No
hard they banged and no matter how long they waited; their spouse never
you trying to get heard? Do
you feel ignored? Is communication in your marriage pathetic?
live in an interesting time.
With one click, you can communicate with
anyone in the world. It’s easy,
quick, and free. You even have options. If you don’t want to
click, you could
dial, beep, page, instant-message, or Fed Ex. It’s true. Your
communicate with the outside world has become increasingly easy. But my
is that your ability to communicate with your spouse has become
reason for this is that most
people confuse INFORMATION communication with
advancements give us all sorts of options tocommunicate information.
But how do you feel the
pulse of someone’s soul? How do you communicate the
subtleties in your heart?
You can’t text message that. You can have the latest and
communication gadgets, but it won’t matter. PERSONAL
communication is a whole
different ball game. And it’s PERSONAL communication that
success or failure of your marriage.
reminded of a scene from a
Broadway play. A man and woman happen to meet on a train and engage in
conversation. They were both headed home to New York after a day in New
CT. After further discussion, they learned that they were going to the
building on Fifth Avenue. Lo and behold they discovered that they had
daughter and lived in the same apartment. They finally discovered that
were husband and wife.
know what’s killing marriages
these days? EMAIL! More and more I’m seeing husbands and
wives resort to email
to communicate with each other. You want to do something tangible TODAY
improve your marriage? STOP EMAILING YOUR SPOUSE! Email is for
in a marriage you’ve got to HEAR each other. And I
don’t mean hear the sounds
of each other’s words. You’ve got to be able to
hear the silence between the
sounds and interpret the unspoken meaning of pressed lips or teary
got to be able to hear the shapes and sounds in each other’s
heart. You can NOT
accomplish this via email.
let me be clear about
something; you can’t do it with marriage communication
There’s no clinical communication therapy that can help you
and your spouse
think each other’s thoughts, feel each other joy, and cringe
from each other’s
pain. My 1-on-1 phone session schedule and the Marriage Fitness Tele
are filled with casualties from traditional marriage communication
and the usual marriage counseling approach. If you’re like
most people with
marriage trouble, you’ve been down that path and you know
that it does NOT
my 4-year-old son came to
me with a bruise on his leg. He was crying and I could see that it was
and blue. He said, "Daddy, I need a band-aide."
responded, "But it’s not
said again, "Daddy, can
you put a band-aide on it?"
realized that my son’s
perspective was that when something hurts a band-aide makes it
it’s a bruise and not a cut.
what does this have to do with
communication in a marriage? Because most people think that if spouses
hearing each other that communication techniques will solve the
that’s like putting a band-aide on a bruise. It’s
the wrong solution.
techniques can help
colleagues transmit INFORMATION clearly.
techniques belong in
seminars that teach negotiation and sales. But you’re not
trying to complete a
transaction with your spouse; you’re trying to renew a
relationship. I can
almost guarantee you that your problem is not clarity; it’s
Ironically, communication techniques sometimes give people clarity that
don’t care what their spouse thinks or feels. They "got it,"
"it" doesn’t matter to them anymore.
do you get back to the place
where you and your spouse care again?
is one of the things that’s
unique about the Marriage Fitness approach to repairing a relationship
traditional counseling. Most approaches to marriage success preach
communication skills. But communicating effectively will NOT create
your marriage. In fact, the correlation is the opposite. Creating love
marriage paves the way for effective communication. I’ll
prove it to you.
about when you fell in
love. How was your communication? Good, right? In fact, when
you’re in love,
you communicate with the wink of an eye and you can finish each
sentences. And yet you haven’t known each other that long and
learned any communication techniques.
years later, after getting
to know each other inside and out, employing psychologically tested and
communication strategies, and taking into account all the differences
Mars and Venus, you can’t get through to each other.
has very little to do with techniques or knowledge of each other. It
everything to do with the depth of connection between the communicators.
question you should be asking
is NOT, "How do I communicate effectively with my spouse." The
question you should be asking is, "How do I connect with my spouse
again?" Once you reconnect, you won’t be sitting in silence
in the basement.
You’ll hear the sound of the pipes from above.
It’ll be your spouse. You were
want to learn how to connect with your spouse again, if you want to BE
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how to transform your marriage communication.