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Do you know what is hurting your marriage?
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When Chrissy Redden set her sights on an Olympic
gold medal, she gave up a promising senior
management position in the food industry to train
full-time. As she trained to qualify for the 2000
Olympics, a fan questioned the Canadian mountain
biker's sacrifice. "Why do so many Olympic
athletes sacrifice their careers, education, and
future livelihoods for a chance at the gold?" he
asked. "I just can't imagine giving up all that!"
It's a good question, isn't it? Why do athletes
sacrifice, endure pain, push their bodies beyond
their limits, and pass up other opportunities?
The answer: they want to! And why do they want
to? BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT.
Physical fitness isn't just about adding elements
that improve your health, like exercise and more
fruits and vegetables. It's also about
SUBTRACTING elements that are NOT compatible with
your goal. Could you really call yourself
"healthy" if you exercised faithfully but
continued to smoke or eat at fast food
restaurants?
Your marriage is like physical
fitness. If you want to be successful, you have
to STOP certain activities that are unhealthy for
your relationship.
Renewing your marriage is like training for a
gold medal; it takes 2 kinds of commitment. It
takes commitment to do some things AND a
commitment to AVOID doing other things.
"Avoid doing what?" you might ask. There's
much to this, but for now your task is to pick
one thing OF YOUR CHOICE. What one thing, if you
refrained from doing it, would improve your
marriage? What one thing are YOU doing that's
unhealthy for your relationship? Pick one thing
and begin refraining from it today.
Not sure what to pick? Ask yourself the following
questions.
Is your spouse troubled by an emotional
connection you have with someone else? Is your
spouse uncomfortable with physical contact you
have with your opposite-sex friends? Does your
spouse feel that you give more attention to the
TV than you do them?
Is your intimacy with someone else interfering
with the potential intimacy you could have with
your spouse? (physically or emotionally)
Is your spouse uncomfortable with the intensity
of your relationship with your mother, father,
brother, sister, or aunt? Do you spend too much
time and energy on work, a hobby, or with a
particular person?
If you answered "no" to the questions in the
above paragraphs, think deeper. Are you sure the
answers are "no"? Do yourself a favor; ASK YOUR
SPOUSE those same questions! I bet you'll be
surprised by the answers. If you couldn't think
of anything to refrain from doing that would
improve your marriage, I bet your spouse can
suggest something. Ask your spouse!
In the public seminars I do with couples, I ask
people to raise their hand if they know of
something they could REFRAIN from doing that
would improve their marriage. Usually, very few
hands go up. I then ask people to raise their
hand if they know of something THEIR SPOUSE does
that if they refrained from doing would make a
big difference in their marriage. Usually, almost
every hand goes up.
If you and your spouse were in private sessions
with me, what would I discover that YOU are doing
that's inhibiting the success of your marriage?
Tami (name changed) came to me for private
sessions because she was uncomfortable with the
relationship that her husband, Andy (name
changed), had with one of his work colleagues.
She was convinced that it wasn't sexual, but the
way they giggled together and sometimes touched
felt invasive to her.
I asked Tami if she ever discussed this with
Andy. She said, "No, because I know what he'll
say."
"What will he say?" I asked.
"He'll say that I'm crazy and that there's
nothing going on between them," Tami responded.
"But what IS going on between them is SOMETHING
even though it's not sexual."
I asked Tami to have the discussion with him
anyway. And Tami was right. It went EXACTLY as
she predicted.
So I asked to have an appointment with Andy. He
agreed.
I talked privately with Andy about his
relationship with this woman. Tami was right. It
was not sexual. They were just friends.
I asked Andy what he enjoyed most about his
relationship with his work colleague.
Predictably, he said, "We have fun. When we're
together, we laugh."
"Do you like to laugh?" I asked.
"Yes, I need the release occasionally. Things at
home and work are so serious." Andy replied.
"Do you ever play and giggle with Tami," I asked.
"No, we're not like that together," Andy said.
"But it sounds like you need that in your life,"
I said.
"I do. But I don't get it at home," Andy said.
"Andy, you don't get it at home because you don't
need it by the time you get home. Your friend at
work is fulfilling you in this regard. And your
wife feels violated. You're being emotionally
unfaithful!" I explained.
"How would you like to connect and giggle with
Tami like you connect and giggle with your X?" I
asked.
"I would love it," Andy said. "But it doesn't
happen with Tami."
"It doesn't happen with Tami because you don't
need it to happen with her. Create the need and
YOU will make it happen," I suggested.
In this case, I convinced Andy to tone down his
relationship at work and create the need for
laughter in his life to be fulfilled MOSTLY by
his wife. It worked and this one adjustment
transformed their marriage.
By the way, I heard from Andy that the other
woman's marriage was also transformed. She also
was getting a need fulfilled from Andy that was
robbing her and her husband of an opportunity to
connect.
Refraining from any of the following might
improve your marriage:
- a friendship that your spouse feels is
emotionally unfaithful
- flirting
- TV watching
- computer game playing
- a hobby or interest
- excessive work hours
- excessively friendly touching, hugging, or
kissing of friends
If you still haven't selected something you can
refrain from doing that will improve your
marriage, go over the above list with your
spouse.
This can be challenging. As difficult as it is to
begin a new discipline, it's usually more
difficult to break old habits. REFRAINING
asks you to break an old habit. Not an easy
matter. And that's why this topic gets a lot of
attention in the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp
(see below for schedule of next program) where I
help you identify the actions harming your
marriage and I give you the support you need to
refrain from them or at least curtail them. And
you'll also learn how to get your spouse to
refrain from the things they're doing that's
hurting your marriage, whether they're currently
cooperative or not.
Redden was able to REFRAIN when she contemplated
her future. The decision to give up her career
was difficult, she admitted, but said, "I
imagined myself older and talking to my
grandchildren. Which would I regret more: giving
up my job or giving up a chance at a gold medal?"
What about you? Which would you regret more:
refraining from behaviors that interfere with
your ability to connect to your spouse or giving
up the chance to have a lasting healthy marriage?
After achieving her Olympic dream and taking
eighth place in the 2000 Sydney Olympics, Redden
says she's never regretted her decision, even
with the sacrifice involved. Neither will you.
Warm
regards,
Mort Fertel, Author & Founder of
Marriage Fitness
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