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In your quest to fix
your marriage,
you may encounter resistance...from your spouse!
Your spouse may dwell
on the 101
reasons why "this just won't work for us" and blame you for everyone.
Or, your spouse may be
emotionally
"checked-out" of the marriage and not care about your efforts to
improve the situation or be willing to extend any effort of their own.
This, by far, is the
most common
question people ask me: "How do I get my spouse to change? How do I fix
a
marriage when my spouse won't change?"
Why would your spouse
resist change
in your marriage and what should you do about it?
There's a deep-seated
belief in our
culture that people resist change, no matter what. But is this true? Do
people
really want things to remain status quo? Do we really not want things
to
change? If you look closely at human nature, it's not change itself we
resist;
it's change that's IMPOSED UPON US.
Think about it. We
have no problem
with change that WE INITIATE. But when we feel forced or manipulated to
change,
then we resist with all our might.
Your spouse may not be
willing to
change for the sake of your marriage right now, but that's not because
your
spouse doesn't want to fix the marriage. Everyone wants a great
marriage. It's
because if they're going to change, they want the change to be THEIR
IDEA!
I promise you; your
spouse will
change when they're ready to change and not one second before. And the
more you
push them, urge them, nudge them, ask them, scream at them, or beg
them, the
LESS LIKELY they are to change. I know it's hard to wait, but you have
to let
it come from them.
It's possible someone
could INSPIRE
your spouse to change, but the person LEAST LIKELY to be the
inspiration is
YOU. It's sad but true. A complete stranger is more likely to get
through to
your spouse than you are. A chance experience or encounter is more
likely to
shake up your spouse than anything YOU could say.
Mary Ellen (name
changed) registered
the Marriage Fitness Tele Boot Camp. She knew she had to make changes
and
joined the program with a genuine interest to fix her marriage. She
wanted Tom
(her husband) to be part of the process, but he wasn't willing to join
her. She
had been asking him to go with her to get help for over a year. But Tom
consistently refused.
I spoke with Mary
Ellen during the
boot camp and convinced her to back-off of Tom and just let him be for
a while.
I counseled her to make some changes that created a more positive
energy in
their relationship. When the time was right, I suggested that Mary
Ellen ask
Tom is he would be willing to speak with ME during one of the Q and A
teleconferences. Mary Ellen's timing was good. Tom agreed.
Within 7 minutes of my
conversation
with Tom he agreed to join Mary Ellen in the program. Mary Ellen
switched from
the Lone Ranger Track to the Duo Track.
Why was I able to get
Tom to agree
to something in 7 minutes that Mary Ellen couldn't get him to do in
over a
year? It's true I know how to fix marriages, but there were 2 other
important
factors:
1. For the first time
in over a
year, Mary Ellen backed-off far enough so that Tom had the space to
make his
own choice.
2. The inspiration
came from someone
other than his wife. Now HE wanted to know how to fix the marriage too.
Your effort to change
your spouse is
probably COUNTERproductive. The chances are good that you're "in the
way." You need to get out of the way and create the space for your
spouse
to CHOOSE to change. That's the only way it'll ever happen.
I can't tell you how
many times a
spouse will say to me that their husband/wife changed for a few days,
but then
returned to their old ways. That's because they never really decided to
change.
They were pressured. They were manipulated. And so it didn't stick.
If you tell your
spouse what to do;
it's a challenge. If THEY decide to do it; it's a great idea. YOU HAVE
TO LET
IT COME FROM THEM. That's the only way it'll make a difference long
term in
your marriage.
Now you're probably
thinking,
"Makes sense, but isn't there anything I can do to encourage my
spouse's
choice?" YES there is! YOU CAN BE AN INSPIRING EXAMPLE and let your
spouse
see how the choices YOU'RE making impact how YOU feel about yourself
and your
marriage.
Resist the urge to
believe that your
marriage won't be fixed until your spouse "gets with the program."
The love YOU feel is much more a result of what YOU DO for your
marriage than
what your spouse does for it.
We tend to think that the love in our marriage
is in our spouse's hands. But
it's not. Love is a verb. And if we do it - if we love - then we feel
love. THE
CHOICE IS OURS.
Consider the love you
feel for your
children. Is it because of everything they do for you? Is it because
they're
such angels? Of course not. The love you feel for your children is a
result of
what YOU DO FOR THEM. The love you feel in your marriage is a result of
what
YOU DO too.
Furthermore, there's
no better way
to inspire your spouse to make the choice to change than to make that
choice
yourself.
It happens quite often
that one
spouse will register for the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp in the
Lone Ranger
Track and then half way through the program they will switch to the Duo
Track,
which is designed for couples participating TOGETHER. What caused their
spouse
to change their mind? Simple. 2 things. First, they learned to create a
space
in their relationship for their spouse to make a choice to change.
Second, they
showed their spouse, through their EXAMPLE, how to make that choice and
the
impact it could have on their marriage.
Very often one spouse
will schedule
private sessions with me and ask if it makes sense for them to be
coached
alone. The answer is ABSOLUTELY yes! One spouse can make more than a
50%
difference in a marriage. And that difference is exactly what will get
the
other spouse to open up to getting advice too. As the saying goes: "You
can lead me a mile, but you can't push me an inch."
So, bottom line - as
Mahatma Gandhi
said, "You must be the change you wish to see." It's YOU changing
that will have the greatest impact on YOUR EXPERIENCE of your marriage
AND it's
YOU changing that will be the single most important thing you
can do to
motivate your spouse to change.
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