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2 Small Acts that will Make
a Big Difference in your Marriage
by Mort Fertel
SECRET 2: TALK & TOUCH
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Did you ever hear the Paul Simon song, "50 Ways to Leave
Your Lover"? It's a humorous song about a not-so-funny subject (the
break-up of Simon's marriage). I don't want you to hop on a bus or
drop off your keys, but the song does make a good point about how to
succeed in marriage.
See, the song's ultimate point is that once you make up
your mind to do something, action is sure to follow. Whether you decide
to leave or love, it's the decision that's most important. Once the
decision is in your head, there are 50 ways you could do either.
You want to restore your marriage, right? Good; you know
WHAT you want. The only question left is HOW. HOW will you restore your
marriage?
Let's be clear about one thing first. It has to be an
ACTION. Contrary to popular opinion, love is NOT a feeling. It's a
verb; the result of ACTIONS YOU CHOOSE every day.
Okay, but what action?
Within the next 24 hours, I want you to try a Talk
Charge and a Touch Charge.
A Talk Charge is a 60 second positive, LOVING, verbal
interaction with your spouse about a NON LOGISTICAL matter. It's a fun
or frivolous chat.
A Touch Charge is similar, but it uses touch instead of
talk. A Touch Charge is a LOVING physical gesture with your spouse.
It's not
foreplay or an advance for love making; it's just a warm touch for the
sake of connecting in that moment.
Cindy (not her real name) is a client for whom I did
marriage coaching. In one of our sessions, I noticed that Cindy was
resistant to incorporating Touch Charges and Talk Charges into her
relationship with her husband. She kept trying to change the subject.
She said she wanted to discuss "bigger" matters. I couldn't imagine why
she was so hesitant to do these 2 SIMPLE acts of love. Finally, I
challenged Cindy and said, "Cindy, what's the problem. This is marriage
renewal 101."
Eventually, Cindy told me why she didn't want to talk
about Touch Charges and Talk Charges. "My marriage is horrible." Cindy
said. "I need a BIG solution. I just don't think talking and touching
is going to make a difference."
Cindy expressed a common thought, but she couldn't be
more WRONG.
You can't turn your marriage around with one Herculean
event. There's no gift you can give, favor you can do, or letter you
can write. When your marriage is on the rocks, it's common to
want to "microwave" it better. But you can't. There's no quick fix. It
took you years to get into this mess; it's going to take time for you
to get out of it. And what's the way out? Listen carefully.
Successful spouses do SMALL THINGS in great ways for a
long time.
Do you want REAL change and LASTING love in your
marriage? Then establish the RIGHT HABITS and do them CONSISTENTLY.
Talk and touch everyday, for example.
I promised Cindy that if she would talk and touch
REGULARLY, she would see a dramatic difference in her marriage. I
promised Cindy that if I was wrong, I would personally fly to Nashville
and do a full day intensive session with Cindy and her husband no
charge. Cindy agreed to try. I've still never been to Nashville.
Og Mandino says, "Take great comfort in knowing that ALL
great feats are accomplished one small step at a time." TAKE THE SMALL
STEPS! They make a BIG difference.
Do you remember when you used to just talk? Not about
who's going to pick up the kids, make the dinner, or pay the bill...I
mean
just talk for the sake of talking. If you're like most couples, you
need to start talking again. Tell your spouse about your dreams. Share
your fears. Tell a joke. Talk about the interesting person you met
today or the experience you had jogging in the park.
In the morning before you part for the day, share
something with your spouse. In the middle of day, call your spouse for
a Talk Charge. You don't have to be all sweetsie if you don't want to.
But
make sure you don't discuss anything logistical. And don't fight! Just
talk.
You and/or your spouse probably feel you don't get
enough attention from each other. As discussed, it could be that you
need to talk more. But you also probably need to touch more.
REACH OUT AND TOUCH YOUR SPOUSE TODAY. Make it
clear that you're touching them solely to connect in that moment. Try a
warm kiss or a gentle rub. Stroke their cheek or play with their feet.
It only takes a moment, but the positive energy can carry you through
an entire evening.
In my seminars, I give coins to a volunteer TWICE. The
first time I drop it into his hand. The second time I place it in his
hand and graze
his hand while doing so. The volunteer is not always sure why, but when
I ask which time I gave him the coins was a more pleasant experience,
he always says it was the second time; when I TOUCHED him. Touch
creates more than just a physical
connection. It makes us feel different inside.
When you caress your spouse's hand, play with their
feet, rub their shoulders, or stroke their cheek, there's a moment
there (if you do it
RIGHT) when your spouse knows that you are completely connected with
them. Fill your marriage with a few of those moments each day and your
relationship will begin to change.
Now I don't want to leave you hanging...wondering what
you're going to say and how you're going to touch. I figure if there's
50 ways to leave your lover, there must be at least as many ways to
touch them or talk to them. So here's my "50 ways" list. Don't be
overwhelmed. I created 50 so you would have options. Once again, my
challenge to you is to pick 2; in the next 24 hours do 1
Talk Charge and 1 Touch Charge.
MORT'S 50 WAYS TO TALK AND TOUCH LIST
1. Express confidence in one of your spouse's
decisions
2. Share dessert with one fork
3. What was "your song" when you were dating? Call your
spouse and sing it to them.
4. Surprise visit your spouse at their office or home
and give them a kiss... and then leave.
5. Play footsie next time you sit together
6. Learn a new joke today and share it with your spouse
7. Ask how your spouse's day went... and really listen
8. Kiss your spouse upon waking
9. Kiss your spouse before sleeping
10. Caress your spouse's hand
11. Touch your spouse's cheek or hand while driving
12. Rub shoulders next time you sit next to each other
13. Sit on your
spouse's lap or sit them on yours
14. Compliment something your spouse is wearing
15. Call your spouse out of the blue to let them know
you are thinking of them
16. Give your spouse a neck or shoulder massage
17. Share a story from the news or your day that you
thought was interesting
18. What about dancing before dinner? No one's looking.
19. Tell your spouse that if you had to do it all over
again, you'd choose them
20. Share a problem - thank your spouse for their concern
21. Play with your spouse's hair while talking in bed
22. Fall asleep holding hands
23. Remind your spouse to drive safely next time they
leave the house
24. Call your spouse at work with the latest news.
25. Have a tickle "fight"
26. Say "I'm sorry" about a mistake you recently made
27. Think of 3 ways your spouse has made you a better
person ... tell them now
28. Compliment your spouse on your favorite physical
trait
29. Play Twister
and let yourself laugh out loud
30. Look at your spouse when they are unaware of your
gaze ... share your feelings
31. Share what you most admire about your spouse
32. Have a "remember when?" moment.
33. Thank your spouse for helping you through a
challenging time in your life
34. Find a reason to touch your spouse when you are in
the same room
35. Dig out the wedding album and reminisce
36. Hold hands under the table
37. Brush your mate's hair out of his/her eyes
38. Straighten his tie, being sure to touch him with love
39. Button or zip her dress, being sure to touch her
with love
40. Knead the same dough together
41. Kiss in the elevator when no one is looking
42. Express confidence in your spouse's ability to
overcome a problem
43. Listen to your spouse's worries - ask how you can
help
44. Make your spouse's lunch for the day ... deliver it
with a kiss
45. Send your spouse a fax with your special "code
words" for I Love You!
46. Turn off your spouse's alarm clock - wake them with
a massage
47. Kiss the back of your spouse's neck while he/she is
reading
48. Before parting, tell your spouse you can't wait to
see him/her again
49. An extra hug for no reason at all never hurt anyone
50. "Spoon" your mate while sleeping
Warm
regards,
Mort Fertel, Author & Founder of
Marriage Fitness
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SECURE
& CONFIDENTIAL
