Marital Counseling: How Could
Everything Change So
Dramatically
By Mort Fertel
==========================================
I came across this quote today and
wanted to share it with you. You may find that it relates to your
marital situation.
"The difficultly with marriage is that
we fall in love with a personality, but we must live with a character."
- Peter Devries
We can only appreciate the profundity
of this statement if we understand what is meant by CHARACTER.
"Personality" is easy to understand.
Your "personality" is how people experience you. It’s your
public persona.
But what is "character?" And why is
"character" so crucial in your marriage?
Character is who you are when no one
is watching.
Let me say that again so you can read
it slowly and really digest it this time.
Character is who you are when no one
is watching.
You see, when you and your spouse met,
you met each other’s PERSONALITIES. You showed your spouse
and you were shown by your spouse your public personas. I’m
not saying you tricked each other. It’s just your
personality; how you display yourself to others.
But marriage lasts too long in too
close quarters for anyone to sustain a public persona. Personalities
eventually give way to an INNER SELF that gets revealed for the first
time. And there you each stand, naked as if no one is watching. But
someone is watching. And that’s when you meet for the first
time...again!
You and your spouse don’t
meet the person who charmed each other’s friends, bought
gifts for each other’s parents, and always smiled from ear to
ear. No, this time it’s a meeting of your CHARACTERS.
In many cases, it’s not only
that you’re meeting each other for the first time, but
it’s that you’re meeting YOURSELVES for the first
time.
Most people wouldn’t be
caught dead treating anyone the way they treat their spouse. Most
people don’t recognize their own behavior. "I’m
just not myself with him/her." Well then who is that person?
That’s YOU...it’s your character.
(And your spouse meets their character.)
The reason so many people fail at
marriage and an attempt at marriage renewal is NOT that they
don’t like their spouse. It’s that they
don’t like THEMSELVES. And while everyone else in their life
is like a mirror reflecting their personality; their spouse is a mirror
reflecting their character. And most people don’t like what
they see.
Many people would rather choose to be
with someone else than remain with their spouse and have to continue to
be with themselves. (Did you get that?)
Balthasar Gracian wrote in his 17th
century manual on success, The Art of Worldly Wisdom, as follows: "You
are as much a real person as you are deep. As with the depths of a
diamond, the interior is twice as important as the surface. There are
people who are all facade, like a house left unfinished when the funds
run out. They have the entrance of a palace but the inner rooms of a
cottage."
Marriage renewal and
individual character development go hand-in-hand.
Many people who did the Marriage
Fitness Tele-Boot Camp told me that it not only restored their
marriage, but it was a personal fixing for them too. And, in fact, I
think one of the unique aspects of the boot camp is that a person
experiences personal growth within the context of renewing their
marriage. If you’d like to do the same, you can register for
the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp by
visiting
http://www.MortFertel.com/tele-boot-camp.asp
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