Marriage Advice
Is That How You Like It?
This
week's Marriage Fitness assignment
is the best kind. It's quick, easy, and will have
an immediate and substantial impact on your
relationship. Are you ready?
I want to begin by sharing a story
about Stan and
Nancy (names changed); a couple I've been coaching
in private phone sessions.
One of the major issues in their
marriage is that
Nancy does not feel important to Stan. She
complains that Stan puts everything before her:
his work, their daughter, even dinner. For
example, Nancy explained, "When Stan comes home
from work, he turns his attention to the mail, our
daughter, and dinner; in that order."
Stan insisted that Nancy could not be
more wrong
in terms of how he feels in his heart. So, in an
attempt to DEMONSTRATE to Nancy that she is his
first priority, Stan's homework was to give Nancy
his undivided attention for 10 minutes immediately
upon his arrival home at the end of every day.
During our next session, I asked Stan
about his
homework. He was pleased to report that he was
able to do exactly as I assigned, but that he
didn't think it worked. In other words, he
explained, "I don't think it made a difference for
Nancy."
Immediately Nancy jumped in, "What are
you talking
about? I loved it! This was one of the best weeks
we've had in years."
How will your spouse know to keep
doing what they're doing right if you don't tell
them that it's right?
Also, think about human nature. If you
want your
spouse to continue to do healthy things for your
relationship, then make them feel good when they
do healthy things for your relationship.
Simple, right?
So here's your assignment for this
week. Every
night before you go to bed, I want you tell your
spouse how much you appreciated ONE THING they did
during that day. It can be something big or
something small, but offer your spouse reassurance
that at least one thing they did that day was
"right on." Give your spouse positive
reinforcement about it so that they're more likely
to do it again. Here are some examples:
"Honey, I really liked that you called
me 3 times
from work today."
"Thanks for sitting with me for a few
minutes
after dinner tonight."
"Thanks for picking up Chloe after her
soccer
practice. That really helped me out."
"I loved it when you came up behind me
and kissed
my neck."
"I
loved it when you rubbed my shoulders in bed
this morning."
"Thanks
for helping clean up from dinner. I like
when we do that together."
This is so easy and will make such
a big difference. In fact, if you're up for it and
assuming the assignment goes well for you this
coming week, I'd encourage you to make it an
evening HABIT. Do this every night!
Let me ask you this: what's the last
thing you say to your spouse everyday (besides
"Good night.")? You probably don't know. Nothing
in particular, right? Why not make those parting
words every night intentional? Imagine the impact
over years in your marriage of ending each day
with a statement of affirmation and appreciation
for your spouse. They'll know what they're doing
right and they'll be more likely to do it again.
Keep up the good work.
Mort
Fertel
Author & Founder of Marriage Fitness
P.S.
Need 1-on-1 help? Can't afford my fees? Do private
phone sessions with another Marriage Fitness
professional. Go here for more info:
http://www.MortFertel.com/extra-1-on-1.asp
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