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Have you ever considered (or are you in) marriage
counseling? If your marriage
is in trouble, the answer is probably YES.
But will it help you? Will counseling be a
healing experience, or will it make your situation WORSE?
Marriage Fitness is an ALTERNATIVE to marriage
counseling. Why do we need an alternative? What's wrong with marriage
counseling?
Most therapists
who work with couples are trained to do INDIVIDUAL counseling. They
view their
marriage work as an extension of individual therapy. This is
ridiculous. It's
like asking a private tutor to take over a classroom. Let me explain.
Individual
counseling is a laidback experience. The counselor asks questions and
empathizes patiently as the client tells their story. Wherever the
story goes
the counselor follows and makes sure the client feels heard. Together,
the
client and the counselor discuss available options.
This method will NOT work if you’re trying to
stop a divorce and save your marriage.
Reconciling a marriage requires STRUCTURE,
DIRECTION, and GUIDELINES. And the role of the professional in session
is to be
assertive and provide LEADERSHIP. Otherwise, a couple will simply move
the
battle ground from their house to their therapist's office. The
therapist may
feel that a lot has been clarified, but that's because it's the first
time the
therapist heard the fight. For the couple, nothing was accomplished. In
fact,
the couple leaves the session feeling hopeless.
Helping a couple heal a relationship is a
completely different process than helping an individual "find
themselves." If you want help with your marriage, you don't just want a
professional to listen; you want someone with the confidence and the
ability to
provide a clear path to healing and who isn't shy about holding you and
your
spouse accountable to it. In short, you want LEADERSHIP. You want
direction.
You want someone to tell you what to do...what's worked for other
couples.
Marriage counseling usually
fails in this
regard. Marriage Fitness, on the other hand, provides a clear and
proven
step-by-step system for renewing your marriage.
Another problem with marriage
counseling is that it unnecessarily demands that both parties get
in touch
with their FEELINGS.
Picture this: one
day Brian gets a wake-up call from his wife and realizes that he better
shape
up or he's going to lose his family, Brian agrees to see a marriage
counselor.
Early in the first session the counselor asks Brian, "How do you
FEEL
about being here?"
Brian says,
"I just want
to save my marriage."
"No Brian,
that's not a feeling," says the counselor, "that's a thought. How do
you FEEL?"
"I don't
know," says Brian, "I thought we could talk about solutions
to..."
"Brian, you
need to work on yourself first before you can work on your marriage."
But Brian is NOT
interested in individual counseling. He's not looking for insight into
himself;
he wants to fix his marriage. He doesn't care about his psyche right
now; he
cares about his wife. And there's nothing wrong with that!
Unfortunately,
marriage counselors sometimes advise spouses to separate into
individual
sessions when they really want to work on their marriage. But
individual
counseling is NOT a prerequisite for marital work!
Separation, in general is not good for
married couples.
Let me be clear
about this point. I'm NOT saying that there's anything wrong with
self-discovery. In fact, understanding yourself can only be positive
AND it
will certainly help you succeed with your marriage. However, it's not
necessary. You CAN transform your marriage without entering individual
therapy.
Here's another big problem with traditional
marriage counseling.
Many marriage
counselors would describe themselves as "neutral" therapists; meaning
that they aren't in favor of marriage or divorce. Instead, their job is
to
guide you through a cost-benefit analysis. In other words, would you
gain more
by staying married or getting divorced?
If you should
happen to meet a therapist with this approach, while you're at it, ask
them if
you should buy or rent. (Ha Ha!)
Our society has
become very consumer oriented. Unfortunately, this consumer mentality
has
seeped into marital counseling. But deciding about your marriage is NOT
akin to
a purchasing decision. Relationships and family values do NOT lend
themselves
to charts listing pros and cons. That would be like trying to grasp an
idea
with your hand; it's the wrong approach. And it won't work.
The other thing
worth noting about this cost-benefit approach which is typical amongst
"neutral" therapists (by now you can see that they're not really
neutral) is that it "favors" the more self-oriented spouse. But in a
troubled marriage, it's that selfishness that needs to be tamed not
freed.
I want you to
know that I am NOT neutral. Except where there is physical abuse or
danger, my
job is to support the POSSIBILITY that you can restore your marriage.
I'm
pro-marriage. I'm not on your side or your spouse's side. I'm on the
side of
your marriage. And I think that's what most people need when they're
having
marital problems; someone to show them hope and offer them a clear path
to
restoring their relationship.
Recently I helped
a woman named Julie save her marriage. She went through the Lone Ranger
Track
of the Marriage
Fitness Tele-Boot Camp and
I had a number of private sessions with her and eventually with her
husband
too. She said something to me after she felt safe in her marriage that
I'm
really proud of. Julie said, "You know Mort, when we went to marriage
counseling, the counselor just kept asking us questions. But I got sick
of
being asked questions. I wanted answers. You gave me answers. And for
that I'm
thankful."
If you'd like
answers too, then enter your name and email address below. I’ll
send you
answers…for free!
One last
important point. I want to be clear that I'm not against counseling.
There are some very good counselors who truly understand how to help a
couple succeed with their marriage. My comments above are
generalizations. Generalizations, by definition, are generally true. Of
course, there are exceptions.
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