It’s well known that 50% of
FIRST marriages end in divorce. And many of these people spoke to marriage counselors.
Do you know what percent of SECOND
marriages end in divorce? (and yes, let's assume the same percentage
spoke to marriage counselors.)
It should be LESS THAN 50%, right?
After all, who would make those same painful mistakes again? People
marrying a second time have the "benefit" of knowing what kind of
person to pick this time, right? And they've been educated by marriage counselors.
The divorce rate for
SECOND marriages is 70%! And THIRD marriages; closer to 80%! Big help marriage counselors
are, right?
"Mort, you mean my chances get worse
not better?"
That’s right. Because the
key to succeeding in marriage is NOT finding the right person;
it’s YOU becoming the right person. We’ll get back
to that point in a moment.
Did you know that
women who finally get out of abusive relationships usually fall in love
with another abusive man? What bad luck, right?
It’s not luck.
Did you know that men whose first
wives cheated on them usually get cheated on by their second wife too?
How could that be? You’d
think that after suffering the torment of infidelity a man would only
marry a woman with impeccable morals and unwavering commitment.
You’d think...but it
doesn’t work that way.
Llisten to this
story. It’ll pull all the pieces together for you.
A man once came to a town and asked
the local sage, "I'm thinking about moving here. What kinds of people
live here?"
The sage asked the man, "What kinds of
people live in the town you came from?"
"Where I'm from the people are liars,
cheaters, and mean spirited," the man responded.
"The people are the same here," said
the sage.
Then another man came to town and
asked the sage the same question, "I'm thinking about moving here. What
kinds of people live here?"
The sage asked the man, "What kinds of
people live in the town you came from?"
"Where I'm from the people are
wonderful, kind, and courteous," the man responded.
"The people are the same here," said
the sage.
You see, people are
not as you see them; people are as YOU are.
What do you get when you smile at
someone? You get a smile back. And if you stare at someone? You get a
stare back. What you get is what you are.
We're NOT an
objective observer of the people in our life; we're a subjective
influence. In other words, our presence changes what we observe.
Let me give you a simple example.
Let’s say you wanted to measure the temperature in a small
room. So you bring a thermometer into the room and wait for a reading.
But since your body temperature is 98.6 degrees, the fact that
you’re in the room changes the reading you get. As long as
you’re there, things are different.
It works the same in your marriage.
Your relationship is not simply a function of who you pick;
it’s also a function of who you are.
Who you are and who your spouse is
mixes to form the dynamics of your relationship. I know you want your
spouse to change. And YES your marriage would be better if they did.
But YOU changing can change things just as well.
Now please listen
carefully and please don’t misunderstand my point.
I’m NOT saying that everything is your fault. If your spouse
receives my emails, then they’re reading the same message
directed to THEM. It’s no ones fault; but it’s
everyone’s RESPONSIBILITY. In other words, BOTH you and your
spouse contribute to the dynamics in your relationship, whatever they
are, and BOTH you and your spouse can single-handedly change them.
No matter what your spouse did to
cause your marriage to deteriorate, they’re responsible. And
they should change. But you played a role too. I know that’s
hard to hear. It’s a bitter pill to swallow. But once you
swallow it, you’re no longer a helpless victim; you become
empowered to change circumstances that seemed out of your control.
It’s easy to confess your
spouse’s sins. And you’re probably correct about
what your spouse needs to change. But it does no good to be right. And
it’s a complete waste of time and energy to focus on your
spouse’s problems. There’s nothing you can do about
it. Your spouse will change only when they’re ready to
change. The only relevant question for you is: What’s YOUR
fixing?
You had a role in the deterioration of
your marriage. I have never seen a marital situation caused by one
spouse. There’s always dual responsibility. What can YOU do
to improve the situation?
Reflect on your past
relationships. Do
you see a pattern? Look at your parent’s marriage. Are you
recreating the model you saw when you were a child? Have you explored
with a professional the childhood roots of your relationship habits and
how they contributed to your marital circumstances?
Even if your spouse had an affair,
you’re partly responsible. That doesn’t mean that
it’s your fault and it doesn’t excuse your
spouse’s inappropriate behavior, but the question still
remains: What was your spouse seeking outside your marriage that was
not available within it?
Don’t just
sit there sulking in the misery of your situation while you wait for
your spouse
to change, God to perform a miracle, or marriage counselors
to intervene. If you want your
situation to change, then change it! Do YOUR part. Because if YOU
change, then everything around you changes too.
Now there is one more important point.
You might be thinking, "Mort, I have changed. But my situation has
not. Marriage counselors
talked and I listened." Change itself is not good enough.
You’ve got to make the right changes. Like a scientist, you
have to know EXACTLY what changes to make to get the outcome
you’re looking for.
If you want to learn
how to become the kind of person that your spouse would be nuts to walk
away from and you want to do that without the help of marraige counselors,
if you want to learn how to implement relationship habits
that can change the dynamics between you and your spouse, if you want
to learn EXACTLY what changes to make to get the result
you’re looking for, then join the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot
Camp. There’s a track for couples doing the program together and a
different track if you’re dealing with an uncooperative
spouse (LONE RANGER TRACK). And where does this program take place?
From your HOME! It’s a TELE boot camp. All you need is a
telephone. For details or to register, go to:
http://www.MortFertel.com/tele-boot-camp.asp
If you can’t wait until the
next boot camp begins or if you don’t have 7 weeks to turn
things around, then get everything TOMORROW with Marriage Fitness
Home-Flex. For more info or to order, go to:
http://www.MortFertel.com/home-flex.asp
If you want to
schedule a private session with me, here’s how it works: I do
PHONE sessions or full-day intensive "house calls." To schedule an
appointment, call 410.764.1552. For more information about private sessions, please visit
http://www.MortFertel.com/marriage-coaching.asp
At the very least,
if you’re serious about renewing your marriage,
you’ve got to listen to the Audio Learning Program of
Marriage Fitness. This is what thousands of people and couples
worldwide are using as an "audio handbook" to restore their marriage.
To order, go to:
http://www.MortFertel.com/audio-program.asp
Let me know if you
have any questions. I’ll do whatever I can to help you. I
wish you the best.
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