in rare cases, most people recreate the circumstances they grew up
end up needing the same marriage
as their parents.
people who grow up in abusive homes tend to leave home at an early age,
usually waste no time creating with their spouse the very dysfunctional
dynamics they couldn’t wait to escape.
A True Story From An Individual In Need Of Marriage Help
me give you an example of how this works by sharing with you an email I
received (names changed):
and I had been married for 18 years until
we separated in April. That was actually the 2nd
time I left him
during our marriage. Now we’re back together trying again and
make a long story short, Ron was verbally
abusive on and off during our marriage. He is a controlling
man so much
so that he would get mad if I didn’t wear the same color
clothes as him or
stand exactly where he asked during choir. He made me feel inadequate,
years of being abused, I became
disrespectful, verbally abusive back, and would do the denial or
by the way, we’re both adult children of
alcoholics. His father was physically and verbally abusive and mine was
that's the negative side of our
marriage. The positive of our marriage is we love
one another very
deeply no matter how we've hurt or angered each other.
I left Ron the first time, I was drawn
back to him. We have played music and sung together in a
venues, ministered together and in fact, had our own
ministry. We prayed
together, studied together, cried & laughed together.
He made me feel
beautiful, loved, cherished and he always made sure I was
taken care of
were always very romantic with each other
and our intimate life was extraordinary. Everyone that knew
"Ron & Dotti" were special and we felt so too.
prayer is not only that Ron's heart change
and his eyes open to the harm he caused me but for my eyes and heart to
your emails I've
learned a lot of things I should
have done differently.
Here's my question: We’re back together, but
I don't want to be manipulated into an abusive relationship again. How
prevent that? What can we do to succeed this time?
Valuable Marriage Help Advice: Break From The Past
and Ron learned from their parents how to abuse and be abused.
I’m sure they
vowed to “never to be like mom/dad,” but
I’m also sure that they never took the
time and energy to learn any other way. So they built for themselves
life they knew.
much as Dotti and Ron did not want an abusive relationship, they
how to relate to each other in any other way.
say that when you grew up, everyone ate spaghetti with a straw. No
frustrating eating spaghetti with a straw was for you, if I served you
spaghetti, you would ask for a straw. It’s all you know. You
wouldn’t know what
to do with a fork even if it was right in front of you.
your mom and dad happily married? Is your marriage like theirs was?
you need marriage help, the chances
are good that your parents struggled in their marriage too. Research
if your parents had marriage problems or got divorced, then it’s
likely that you’ll have marriage problems
or get a divorce as well.
documented well the impact that heredity and upbringing has on a
We learn “tapes” early-on that we play again and
again oblivious to how they
consistently control (and destroy) our lives. But does that mean the
your marriage was determined years ago? Does that mean your fate was
your genes and your childhood?
is no doubt that you have deeply rooted relationship instincts. But
instincts do NOT have you.
past constantly vies for control of your future, but at the end of the
have a CHOICE. Your domain is this moment, and every moment, when you
DECIDE to write a new script. At any time, in every time, you can
decide to be
the master of your destiny; rather than a victim to your past.
by the way, is the real value in understanding your past and your
roots. So that you can consciously REJECT what you know
doesn’t work and
replace old habits with new ways.
of course, is no simple task. Not only because it’s hard to
break old habits
and learn new ways, but also because most people are more comfortable
what’s familiar yet destructive rather than what’s
constructive but unfamiliar.
In other words, most people would rather do what they know
doesn’t work rather
than work on something they don’t know.
explains, for example, why children of alcoholics are statistically
to marry an alcoholic.
working on what you DON’T KNOW is exactly what it takes to be
person.” A transition person is someone who breaks free from
relationship patterns that have been in their family for generations.
by no means a product solely of your heredity or environment. There is
element: YOUR DECISION. And that trumps ALL past events. You can DECIDE
whatever you want.
the way, this, in my opinion, is the real meaning
of help…helping someone
to acquire the ability to
successful marriage is not something that just happens; you have to
It’s a result of deliberate and conscience decisions to make
a new way in your
Need Marriage Help? Try The Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp
course, Dotti and Ron need to do the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp so
can learn new habits that will infuse goodwill into their relationship.
their case, coming from abusive homes, they also need to come to a deep
understanding of the roots of their relationship instincts. Why?
explain, let me say first what the reason is NOT.
have two problems with psychotherapy.
It seems to take so darn long. Why does a person have to sit (or lie)
therapists couch week after week, sometimes for years, in order to
the source of their psyche? I admit, there are SOME very complicated
(true narcissists, psychopaths, etc.), but usually the fundamentals of
a person relates to their spouse can be revealed to them in less than a
Too often the patient is led to believe that the goal of psychotherapy
self-knowledge. The goal of psychotherapy is NOT self-knowledge.
is the MEANS. The goal is personal transformation. The goal is an
life. The goal is new behavior.
see, the benefit to understanding your childhood roots is, in the words
Freud, “to make the unconscious conscious.” In
other words, the point is to be
SELF-AWARE. You cannot beat an enemy you don’t know. You
cannot defeat an enemy
you don’t understand.
AWARE of your instincts (your “tapes,” your
patterns, your scripts) is the
first step to making a CHOICE to behave differently. Knowledge of
the first step to making a DECISION to become a new self.
you realize, for example, that your instincts are to control everyone
everything, then you could make the conscious decision to invite your
participate in the family financial decisions. In other words, if
of your controlling, you can CHOOSE to give up some control.
admit, this is not easy. Most people act based on instincts. Most
behavior is a reaction to circumstances rather than a proactive choice
values. They have liberty but not freedom. What’s the
liberty and freedom?
is the right to choose. Freedom is the ABILITY to make a choice. A
provide you liberty. Freedom comes from within. A country can offer you
choices. But if you’re not in control of what you decide,
then you are not
free. To be truly free, you must cultivate the ABILITY to choose. Most
America have liberty but not freedom.
is a space between stimulus and response. Unfortunately, that space is
small for most people. Their environment provides a stimulus and old
provide a response. There is no conscious choice. There is no decision.
are only instincts based on years of scripting. But awareness of your
allows you to widen that space between stimulus and response and gives
time to make a CHOOSE based on your values rather than your past.
line for Dotti and Ron, and for all of us, is this: explore your
roots so you’re aware of your relationship instincts. Then,
look out for those
old patterns, make a DECISION to behave differently based on your
bring your past to its knees.
you're ready to script a new chapter in your marriage and learn how to
new way in your relationship, then enter your name and email below. My
report “7 Secrets to Fixing Your Marriage” will not
only help your marriage;
it'll change the destiny of marriages in your family for generations to