Listen to this email I received and
see if you can relate.

Dear Mort Fertel,

We are in week 2 of the silent treatment! It all
started over something little and ridiculous! We
are both adults, old enough to know better than
this! He is a judge, I am a social worker! He
won't budge! I need help!

Jodie

The dreaded silent treatment. The big stand-off.
You know it, don't you? Horrible,
isn't it?

The most intense prayers in a household come
during these silent treatments: "Oh God, I hope
that's not him/her pulling into the driveway."

Or, "Oh God, when will he/she go upstairs
already?"

Sometimes you feel like you could explode, right?

Most silent treatments start like Jodie's
started; with something "little and ridiculous."
Most couples can't remember what the impetus was.
And if they could, they'd be too embarrassed to
admit that something so small blew-up into
something so big.

So what are these silent treatments or stand-offs
REALLY about? And how can you avoid them or end
them soon after they begin?

It's interesting that Jodie made a point in her
email to say that she and her husband "know
better." In other words, they're intelligent,
educated, and accomplished people. Jodie's
husband is even a judge, an expert in
distinguishing between right and wrong. They know
that treating each other this way doesn't make
sense. They know IT is wrong. But they also know
that THEY are right.

And that's exactly the problem!

Silent treatments ensue when both people feel
they're RIGHT. And the more intense each spouse's
conviction to their perspective, the longer the
silence lasts. And, ironically, the more
intelligent and the articulate the couple, the
MORE LIKELY they are to endure silence between
them. Because intelligent and articulate people
have confidence in their position and
justification for holding their ground.

Although Jodie is surprised that her and her
husband, intelligent people, could be so petty;
the fact is that one reason they're holding their
silence for so long is BECAUSE they're
intelligent. In other words, intellectual
capacity and marital satisfaction can be
INVERSELY related. Let me say it another way:
When it comes to your marriage, you can be right
or you can be happy. But sometimes you can't be
both.

In a courtroom, a hospital, or an office, right
and wrong determine success or failure. The
decision to prescribe the right medicine, for
example, could be the difference between life and
death. The relationship between the doctor and
the patient is secondary. Being RIGHT is what
matters and what is rewarded.

But in marriage, being right has no value. All
that matters is the relationship.

Sometimes you have to choose. Do you want to be
right or do you want to be happily married?

Just because you're right/wrong paradigm works at
the office doesn't mean that you should bring it
home. "He who is a hammer thinks everything is a
nail." Some things work perfectly in one area of
life and fail terribly in another. In marriage,
you have to be like a carpenter and know which
tool to use. The right/wrong mode is the WRONG
tool to use in your marriage.

The more you insist on being RIGHT, the more you
will be miserable in your marriage. Don't go for
RIGHT; go for LOVE.

Jodie expects that because she and her husband
are "intelligent," they shouldn't find themselves
in these petty stalemates. But just because Jodie
and her husband have a high IQ, doesn't mean they
have a high EQ.

IQ is a measure of your INTELLECTUAL
intelligence. The higher your IQ, the better your
ability to process information and determine
what's "right."

EQ is a measure of your EMOTIONAL intelligence.
The higher your EQ, the better your ability to
connect with people and succeed in relationships.

Just as some athletes are strong but not fast, so
too many people have a high IQ but a low EQ.

Bottom line: Intelligence, in the way Jodie means
it, has little bearing on her and her husband's
ability to succeed in their marriage. In fact, a
high IQ coupled with a low EQ can be a disastrous
combination for a marriage.

The good news, however, is that EQ can be
developed. Anyone can increase their EQ and learn
to make their marriage RIGHT.