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7 Secrets for Fixing your
Marriage
by Mort Fertel
SECRET 1: PUT YOUR PROBLEMS ASIDE
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If you're reading a report about how to improve your
marriage, you're probably expecting to learn problem-solving
strategies, communication techniques, and insights about gender
differences. Do I have a SURPRISE for you!
The key to renewing your marriage is NONE of those
things.
How do I know this? Because I experienced it!
Unlike other relationship experts who approach the topic
from a clinical perspective, for me saving and restoring marriages also
very
personal. I'd like to share with you my story.
My wife and I started out deeply in love. I remember
staying up all night talking, surprising each other with thoughtful
gifts, and speaking to each other in code words. You know the feeling
of really being connected? That was us.
But then something happened that destroys most
marriages. We had a son who died when he was just one week old. And
then we had twin daughters, who also died as newborns.
Understandably, my wife became depressed. I coped by
immersing myself in work. We ran from each other emotionally.
Your situation probably was not so tragic, but something
happened. What was it? How did you lose each other? Maybe you can't put
your finger on it, but things just aren't the same. That's common too.
For us, after losing 3 children, everything felt
different. Instead of talking all night, it was a chore to talk for a
few minutes. Instead of using our code words, we used curse words. Our
relationship consisted of screaming matches and silent treatments.
Somewhere deep in our heart though, like you, we knew we
didn't want to lose each other. So we made a commitment to work on our
marriage. Sometimes I tried and my wife didn't. Sometimes my wife tried
and I didn't. We went through different stages of "trying."
What did we try?
We tried the obligatory, "Honey, let me repeat what you
said to make sure I understood you correctly." We applied conflict
resolution strategies. My wife learned about Mars and I learned about
Venus. We even went to therapy to wrestle with our problems. But guess
what. Nothing changed. Nothing worked.
All the advice (books, counselors, whatever) asked us to
face our problems. But that just made us feel worse. And fight more.
Then we had a breakthrough.
We decided to SET ASIDE OUR PROBLEMS and try to CONNECT
with each other. We used POSITIVE relationship exercises that
transformed our marriage. Not only did we resolve
our differences, we fell in love again! And we did it - not by dealing
with our problems (as serious as they were) - but by establishing
HEALTHY HABITS that brought positive energy to our
relationship.
This is the solution to most marital situations! Believe
it or not, the secret is to STEP AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS and SPEND YOUR
TIME AND ENERGY building your relationship through POSITIVE ACTIONS.
It's counter intuitive, but if you strengthen your
relationship, most of your problems will dissipate and what remains of
them can be more
easily resolved in a safer, softer, and more forgiving marital
environment.
Before you deal with your problems, you first have to
build good will with each other.
If your marriage is stressed, do NOT tackle your
problems. If your timing is off, trying to solve problems with your
spouse will damage your marriage and make it LESS LIKELY that you'll
ever find resolution.
Now you can see why Marriage Fitness is fundamentally
different from any other approach to relationship success. It's not
about
conflict-resolution or communication skills because these are NOT the
key to saving a marriage. The key is NOT to fix what's wrong. The key
is to make new things right.
And there are, in fact, specific things you can do (with
or without your spouse) to make things right in your marriage.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as
gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet
and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in
your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause
and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable
- you can "make" love.
Marriage Fitness
offers you a step-by-step system to make and maintain
love in your marriage. It also teaches you how to temporarily
put aside the problems and issues that are weighing you
down and making it impossible for you to establish a new
momentum in your marriage. The program works for any marriage
even if only one spouse does it. And the best news is
that you don't have to dig into your past, dredge up your
problems, or practice communication techniques. This is
not marriage counseling; it's Marriage Fitness.
Warm
regards,
Mort Fertel, Author & Founder of
Marriage Fitness
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