| Making
Sorry Count
A
few months ago your homework was to verbalize
an apology to your spouse. At that time, I
shared
with you some insights into what it REALLY
means
to apologize and I coached you through an
assignment. But my guess is that you've
"slipped-up" since then, and, if you're like
most
people, you can use more insights into how
to
apologize effectively and move through blunders
from your past.
The
problem with the way most people say "I'm
sorry" is that they say it too soon. In other
words, they apologize before they could possibly
understand what they're apologizing for.
Example:
Husband offends wife. Wife gets angry.
Husband realizes that he's in the dog house.
Husband
knows WHAT HE DID but has no clue WHY it
upset his wife. Husband says, "I'm sorry."
Husband
just blew it again!
A true
apology is not for what YOU did. It's for
the pain you caused YOUR SPOUSE. And you can
only
apologize for that after you get inside your
spouse's heart and feel their hurt.
Sometimes
"I'm sorry" is NOT an apology; it's a
request to move on. In other words, if you
don't
know your spouse's pain, then "I'm sorry"
is
really just a selfish request for relief of
YOUR
pain (the pain of being in the dog house).
It's
easy to know what you did. The question is:
How did it make your spouse feel? WHY did
it upset
them? When you know the answers to these
questions, then, and only then, are you ready
to
apologize.
Over
the past couple of weeks, I've been coaching
a gentleman who's in the midst of a marriage
crisis. He made a lot of mistakes in his marriage
(some pretty severe) and he's in jeopardy
of
losing his family. But, unlike most people,
he's
willing to take a brutal look at himself and
try
to fix what's broken.
One
of the first things we did was identify his
mistakes. His assignment was to write a letter
of
apology to his wife. It took a couple of drafts
before he understood what I meant by apology
(see
above), but he nailed it as well as anyone
I've
ever coached. Fortunately, he agreed to allow
me
to share his letter with you.
Read
the letter closely. And notice how he gets
into her heart. Notice how he thinks her thoughts.
Dear
Tracy,
I have
been spending some time thinking about what
it means to apologize from the heart. What
it
means to put myself in the place of the person
I
have hurt, and see their point of view. I've
decided that it requires feeling what another
person has felt--the emotions they have borne.
For
the times in Waupaca that I forced you to
have sex
with me, I am truly sorry. I let lust consume
me
and blind me to your feelings. You must have
felt
vulnerable and degraded having something inside
you that you did not want there. Because of
this
thoughtless act you must have been fearful
every
time you went to bed that you would be exposed
to
that again. Related to this are the times
I
watched you dress and let myself see you as
an
object instead of an individual. I can imagine
you
have felt it hard to prepare for a day of
work
when you are not sure what I am thinking or
what I
might say or do or accuse you of.
For
the time in Waupaca that I threw a hot pot
of
coffee toward you, I am not only sorry but
deeply
ashamed. I let anger become an unchecked impulse
and burned your arm. As I think about your
feelings, I know the conflicting emotions
this
attack must have produced in you. Having to
go to
work and hide the fact that your husband was
the
cause of your injury must have made you feel
shame
for something I should have felt shame for.
For
the times in Waupaca when we were home that
I
would not let an argument die, but instead
chose
to follow you around the house not leaving
you in
peace, I am sorry. Instead of seeking a
resolution, I would pick on tiny things you
said
in order to perpetuate arguments. I can understand
your fear being locked in a bathroom with
a loud
angry voice on the other side of the door.
Related
to this are the many times I have let my emotions
run uncontrolled when driving in the car.
I know
now that I did this as a form of manipulation,
trying to get you to say or agree to something
that you did not want to agree to. There,
too you
must have felt trapped and helpless to either
bring me under control or get out of the car.
For
the many times throughout our marriage I have
mistrusted and misrepresented you, I am sorry.
Lately especially, I know that you are going
out
with friends in order to have peace and goodness
in your life again. But when you come home,
I let
jealousy get the best of me and accuse you
of all
kinds of things including infidelity. I can
only
imagine the anger you must feel at being judged
by
someone who has not taken the time to see
you for
who you really are. There have also been many
times when I would twist your words in subtle
ways
in order to make you feel bad about yourself.
These times I have not tried to understand
what
you were saying, but instead brought about
chaos
in our conversation. I am sorry. I know this
made
you feel degraded and disrespected. I know
this
has also caused you physical problems due
to
stress. You have had to be on edge every time
you
are around me.
When
Chris was an infant, I decided to go to New
York for a job that didn't pay anything. I
chose
to do this when we were already having financial
difficulties, and you were a brand new mother.
This was a stubborn and selfish choice which
put
me first, ahead of my family. You must have
felt
abandoned during that crucial summer. You
must
have been asking yourself why I would not
see that
you needed me there to help at home. I caused
you
to feel panicked and anxious and valued less
than
a job that didn't even pay anything.
For
the times I have let my depression cloud my
judgment, I am sorry. I know there have been
many
times I will say almost anything and the next
moment contradict myself. I have been indecisive,
irritable, rude and insolent. At times like
these
I will say almost any hateful and hurtful
thing
that has impulsively come to mind. I have
taken
out on you and unhappiness inside of me which
you
did not cause. I have blamed you for struggles
I
have with myself. I am sure this has brought
shock
and confusion to you. You must wonder, "Why
would
a person who says they love you say these
things
and behave this way?"
For
the many times I have counted as nothing the
effort you put into loving me through acts
of
kindness, I am sorry most of all. There have
been
so many times you did little things to show
you
cared about me and thought about me. Simple
things
like replacing my deodorant when I run out,
or
even the chores you do around the house. In
my
heart I know you have done these things because
you love me and are showing your love. But
instead
of showing appreciation, I have given you
nothing
and have implied that there is more or
something else better that you could do for
me.
The truth is that there isn't. The little
acts of
kindness you have shown have been the best
shows
of love. This is what I have repeatedly squelched.
From my heart, I am sorry.
Tracy,
I apologize not with these words, because
words are too small. I apologize with the
emotions
I now feel that you have felt for so long.
I am
giving new thought to what I have done over
these
years. I am owning my actions and taking
responsibility for them. I now know that what
it
means to be sorry is not just to say it, but
to
become the man who would never do these kinds
of
things again. I am in the process of becoming
that
man.
Love,
Tom
Here's
what I want you to do. Use
this letter as a model and write your own.
Identify
one mistake you've made and write a
letter of apology to your spouse. Of course,
you'll need to describe your mistake. But
more
importantly, I want you to describe your SPOUSE'S
FEELINGS. Describe THEIR experience of your
mistake.
I your
spouse knows that you felt
their pain, then they'll know that you won't
do it
again. That's when they'll accept "I'm sorry,"
and
then you can move on.
Good
luck.
Mort
Fertel
Author & Founder of Marriage Fitness
P.S.
Need 1-on-1 help? Can't afford my fees? Do
private
phone sessions with another Marriage Fitness
professional. Go here for more info:
http://www.MortFertel.com/extra-1-on-1.asp
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