you been asking yourself “How do I save
you thought about giving your spouse an ULTIMATUM? Something like, "If
don't stop XYZ, this marriage is over."
your spouse having an AFFAIR, hooked on PORN, addicted to DRUGS or
WORKAHOLIC, too emotionally close to an OPPOSITE SEX FRIEND, or
a hobby or activity?
do you get your spouse to STOP behavior that's destroying your marriage?
ultimatum is an interesting idea. I bet a friend or family member even
suggested it. I'm sure it's crossed your mind. Maybe it was even
your counselor. But will it work?
you want to be able to say “I saved my marriage,”
give your spouse an
ultimatum. It will NOT work. Let me explain why. And let me explain how
get your spouse to end their affair or stop their addictive or
a sense, it's empowering to think, and even say to your spouse, "Your
behavior is unacceptable. And if it doesn't stop, I'm leaving you." An
ultimatum offers the ultimate role reversal. It puts you, the victim,
control. Understandably, that's appealing. And there's no doubt that in
SHORT RUN, you'll FEEL better. But it also FEELS good to eat dessert
every meal. Just because something FEELS good does NOT mean it is good.
question you have to ask yourself is: Will the LONG TERM effect be
an ultimatum give me the result I want? Will it lead to me saving my
answer is NO.
I know what you're thinking, "Mort, what about TOUGH LOVE? Don't I have
set borders and boundaries?"
you give your spouse an ultimatum, you'll establish clear RULES for
marriage. You'll set borders and boundaries. But where will the
from for your spouse to live by the rules? In other words, the rules
clear, but why would your spouse WANT to adhere to them?
your spouse is a sex addict, a workaholic, an alcoholic, having an
porn, or involved in any other type of obsessive or destructive
problem is NOT a lack of rules; it's a lack of MOTIVATION to live by
spouse knows their behavior is wrong. Even if they won't admit it, even
justify it, deep down they know that their behavior is immoral and that
destroying your marriage and soiling their soul. The problem is that
care. The problem is that they lack an internal MOTIVATION to do the
spouse has to WANT to stop. The key is their inner motivation, their
ultimatum imposes rules from the outside; it does nothing to address
of motivation on the inside.
line: although giving an ultimatum feels good, it misses your target.
target is your spouse's inner motivation. And how do you affect
motivation? The secret is to CONNECT with them. Let me explain.
begins as a connected experience in the womb of our mother. When we're
that physical connection is severed, we yearn to connect again. How we
creating that connection and how well we succeed becomes the story of
who make healthy and meaningful connections with other people feel
fulfilled. (Research proves that the single most important factor that
determines happiness in life is CONNECTEDNESS.) People who lack a real
emotional connection with others will grasp at anything in an attempt
that void in their life. That's what leads people to sex, drugs,
of mindless TV, falling in love over and over again with new people, or
obsessive commitment to money, success, work, or a hobby. These
a MOMENTARY filling. But the cause of the emptiness your spouse seeks
is a lack of a meaningful CONNECTION in their life.
you create that connection with your spouse, you accomplish two
you eliminate your spouse's desire for their destructive behavior. You
wind right out of its sail. You cut it off at its source. They don't
anymore. There's no more hole to fill. YOU filled it!
you offer your spouse a permanent filling for a hole that's been
probably since their childhood. (Your spouse's destructive behaviors
probably be traced back to a disconnected relationship they had with
mother or father). And their DESIRE for your connection, a REAL and
filling of that hole, will trump any momentary interest in seductive
how do you get your spouse to stop their destructive behavior? You
connection with them.
here's the kicker.
chances are very good that YOU have no clue how to deeply CONNECT with
people tend to marry disconnected people. In other words, you picked
spouse BECAUSE they're disconnected, and that was safe and familiar for
(Your spouse is probably like your mother or father.) You didn't have
to make a
real connection to your spouse and that's why you fell in love with
spouse didn't need what you couldn't offer. Do you see how that worked?
totally dysfunctional, but it's true.
don't misunderstand, I'm not saying that your spouse's inappropriate
is your fault. But it is your RESPONSIBILITY. Meaning, that you can
you want) to do something about it. You can impact your spouse's
save your marriage. But you'll need to learn to forge a real connection
your spouse, and you'll need to learn to do that WITHOUT your spouse's
you’re ready to do that, if you want to be able to say
“Yes, I saved my
marriage,” then enter your email below and I’ll
send you my
free report “7
Secrets to Saving Your Marriage.”