Recently I had a series of private phone sessions with a person who was very frustrated. Listen to how this person described their situation. I bet youíll be able to relate to it.
This person said they felt trapped in their basement trying to communicate with their spouse via Morse Code. They said they were banging on the pipes trying desperately to be heard. They would bang on the pipes and wait for a response. Bang and waitÖbang and waitÖbang and wait. But each time they finished banging, there was silence. No matter how hard they banged and no matter how long they waited; their spouse never heard them.
Are you trying to get heard? Do you feel ignored? Is your spouse not responding to your communication?
We live in an interesting time. With one click, you can communicate with anyone in the world. Itís easy, quick, and free. You even have options. If you donít want to click, you could dial, beep, page, instant-message, or Fed Ex. Itís true. Your ability to communicate with the outside world has become increasingly easy. But my guess is that your ability to communicate with your spouse has become increasingly difficult.
The reason for this is that most people confuse INFORMATION communication with PERSONAL communication. Technological advancements give us all sorts of options to communicate information. But how do you feel the pulse of someoneís soul? How do you communicate the subtleties in your heart? You canít text message that. You can have the latest and greatest in communication gadgets, but it wonít matter. PERSONAL communication is a whole different ball game. And itís PERSONAL communication that determines the success or failure of your marriage.
Iím reminded of a scene from a Broadway play. A man and woman happen to meet on a train and engage in polite conversation. They were both headed home to New York after a day in New Haven, CT. After further discussion, they learned that they were going to the same building on Fifth Avenue. Lo and behold they discovered that they had the same daughter and lived in the same apartment. They finally discovered that they were husband and wife.
You know whatís killing marriages these days? EMAIL! More and more Iím seeing husbands and wives resort to email to communicate with each other. You want to do something tangible TODAY to improve your marriage? STOP EMAILING YOUR SPOUSE! Email is for INFORMATION. But in a marriage youíve got to HEAR each other. And I donít mean hear the sounds of each otherís words. Youíve got to be able to hear the silence between the sounds and interpret the unspoken meaning of pressed lips or teary eyes. Youíve got to be able to hear the shapes and sounds in each otherís heart. You can NOT accomplish this via email.
Let me be clear about something; you canít do it with communication techniques either. Thereís no clinical communication therapy that can help you and your spouse think each otherís thoughts, feel each other joy, and cringe from each otherís pain. My 1-on-1 phone session schedule and the Marriage Fitness Tele Boot Camp are filled with casualties from traditional communication strategies and the usual marriage counseling approach. If youíre like most people with marriage trouble, youíve been down that path and you know that it does NOT work.
Today my 4-year-old son came to me with a bruise on his leg. He was crying and I could see that it was black and blue. He said, ďDaddy, I need a band-aide.Ē
I responded, ďBut itís not bleeding.Ē
He said again, ďDaddy, can you put a band-aide on it?Ē
I realized that my sonís perspective was that when something hurts a band-aide makes it betterÖeven if itís a bruise and not a cut.
So what does this have to do with communication in a marriage? Because most people think that if spouses arenít hearing each other that communication techniques will solve the problem. But thatís like putting a band-aide on a bruise. Itís the wrong solution.
Communication techniques can help colleagues transmit INFORMATION clearly. Communication techniques belong in seminars that teach negotiation and sales. But youíre not trying to complete a transaction with your spouse; youíre trying to renew a relationship. I can almost guarantee you that your problem is not clarity; itís concern. Ironically, communication techniques sometimes give people clarity that they donít care what their spouse thinks or feels. They ďgot it,Ē but ďitĒ doesnít matter to them anymore.
How do you get back to the place where you and your spouse care again?
This is one of the things thatís unique about the Marriage Fitness approach to repairing a relationship versus traditional counseling. Most approaches to marriage success preach communication skills. But communicating effectively will NOT create love in your marriage. In fact, the correlation is the opposite. Creating love in your marriage paves the way for effective communication. Iíll prove it to you.
Think about when you fell in love. How was your communication? Good, right? In fact, when youíre in love, you communicate with the wink of an eye and you can finish each otherís sentences. And yet you havenít known each other that long and you havenít learned any communication techniques.
Then, years later, after getting to know each other inside and out, employing psychologically tested and proven communication strategies, and taking into account all the differences between Mars and Venus, you canít get through to each other.
Listen carefully: Communication has very little to do with techniques or knowledge of each other. It has everything to do with the depth of connection between the communicators.
The question you should be asking is NOT, ďHow do I communicate effectively with my spouse.Ē The question you should be asking is, ďHow do I connect with my spouse again?Ē Once you reconnect, you wonít be sitting in silence in the basement. Youíll hear the sound of the pipes from above. Itíll be your spouse. You were heard.
Author & Founder of Marriage Fitness