Has your spouse neglected you? Rejected you? Emotionally abused you?
Are you struggling to get over the pain of an affair?
If youíre having marital trouble, the chances are good that you need to put some hurt behind you.
Itís one of the most common questions I get. ďMort, I want to make my marriage work. But how do I get over the past?Ē
Hereís the key.
The first step is to realize what youíre REALLY trying to accomplish. What does it REALLY mean to get over the past?
You canít change what happened. Thereís no time machine that can send you back to relive the past. Whatís done is done.
Now donít get me wrong. Iím not saying that your situation is hopeless. What Iím saying is that you first have to be clear about what you can and cannot change. You CAN get over your past (as Iíll explain). But you canNOT change events that already occurred.
The good news is that you donít have to change the past in order to get over it. What you have to change is the MEANING of the past.
Think for a moment. Was there ever a time in your life when something horrible happened and you thought, ďWhy is this happening to me?Ē But then a few years later you looked back and you could answer that question. In retrospect, you understood why it happened. At first, it seemed like the world was caving in. Later, it all made sense.
In fact, very often, we eventually realize that bad times are part of a process that leads to something good!
Itís the events that FOLLOW bad times that determine the ultimate meaning of those times. In other words, itís your future that determines your past; not the other way around. And since YOU are in charge of your future, then YOU determine the meaning of your past.
Itís interesting to think about this in the context of an age-old question: Do we have free choice or is everything predetermined? The answer is YES. Everything is predetermined AND we have free choice.
Itís like when you play a card game. You get dealt a hand. And you have no control over the cards you get dealt. Itís predetermined.
But you also get to play that hand. You also have free choice.
Ultimately, itís the COMBINATION of the hand youíre dealt and the way you play it that determines the outcome. And itís the outcome that shapes your view of the original hand you were dealt.
I donít know if youíre familiar with the Bible, but itís interesting to note that in Chapter 1 of Genesis, God says, ďLet US make man in our image.Ē Look at that verse again: ďLet US make man in our image.Ē Who is ďus?Ē Who is God talking to? There wasnít anyone created yet.
There are a number of possible explanations, but hereís one that I think youíll find relevant: God is talking to US. Heís talking to me. Heís talking to YOU. And Heís saying that YOU are partners with Him in the creation of your life.
God deals you a hand. Thereís nothing you can do to change that. But you get to play that hand. You get to respond to the events of your life. And itís your response, your actions in the future, which determine the meaning of the events in your past.
So how do you get over the past? You donít have to get over the past. The past is over! Whatís important is the MEANING the past has for you NOW. And the MEANING of your past is determined by your actions in the future.
The people I know who have the best marriages are people who went through hell in their relationship. They ďgot overĒ their past because they used it as a catalyst to IMPROVE their situation. In other words, the painful events inspired them to change themselves and their marriage. And many people I know began this process WITHOUT their spouse.
If you make the right moves, you will come to view certain events as birth pains that led to a new AND IMPROVED marriage. THATíS how you ďget overĒ the past.
Itís strange how life works sometimes, but if you play your hand right, your hurts become part of your healing. And, in fact, when it comes to relationships, itís usually bad times that awaken people to search for new ways.
I know youíre hurting. But if youíll allow me to show you how to rebuild your marriage, show you new ways, your hurt will heal. I canít make the past go away. But I can help you give it a new meaning. Then, youíll be ďover it.Ē And youíll have a GOOD answer to the question: Why did this happen to me?
Author & Founder of Marriage Fitness